DIANA JORDAN One of the more memorable lines from comedian Diana Jordan''s "Female, Fertile and Frustrated" show goes like this: "Why is it that everything painful to women begins with the male gender? MEN-opause, MEN-tal illness, MEN-strual cycle, and HYS-terectomy..." Jordan''s been presenting the show for more than 15 years. In the beginning it was a woman-only gig, but as more and more men tried to sneak into the show-and as wives and girlfriends tried to get their guys to see the world from a woman''s point of view-Jordan, finally developed a variation that was open to members of both sexes. Jordan, who''s been a guest on a ton of television comedy specials as well as Oprah and Roseanne''s shows and whose A Wife''s Little Instruction Book has sold nearly 500,000 copies around the world, also appeared in the blockbuster movie Jerry McGuire and the indie flick Loretta''s Surprise. She has television commercial and stage credits, is an in-demand motivational corporate speaker, and still works the comedy circuit-which explains her presence tonight, tomorrow and Saturday at Planet Gemini. Comedian Dan Grueter opens.

9pm, Thurs-Sat. Planet Gemini, 625 Cannery Row, Monterey. Call for price. 373-1449.

Metal Workers

LEGION VICTORIOUS, ABUSE OF POWER AND DOPESICK Serious headbangers need only follow the tattoos and tattered T-shirts and listen for the pumping bass and manic drums to find the heavy metal gig going down at Ocean Thunder tonight. Legion Victorious, Abuse of Power and DopeSick are taking the stage as first cousins in a family of metal bands that is cropping up all over the county. They''re riding a new wave of popularity as bands and fans express contemporary anger and angst in a very retro sort of way. For audiences looking to get sweaty and blow off some steam on the dance floor, this is the show to catch.

9pm. Ocean Thunder, 214 Lighthouse Ave., Monterey. 643-9169.

Vertical Integration

JOHN STOWELL & DAVE MORWOOD Jazz performer and teacher John Stowell plays his guitar in a most uncommon way: with the end of the body resting on his knee and the neck held up next to his head, as if he''s playing a petite standup bass. "I like to play some chords that stretch out over large areas of the neck," Stowell explains, "and my hands aren''t that big. This way you can grab a six- or seven-fret chord." The originality inherent in this style of playing is a nice metaphor for the man''s musical sensibility. Stowell, who has traveled the world giving workshops and performances, counts among his primary influences Wes Montgomery, Jim Hall and Pat Martino-but he also listens to keyboardists Bill Evans and Herbie Hancock and horn player Wayne Shorter. "I tell people to listen to a lot of music so their own playing isn''t quite so idiomatic," he says. "Like if you''re listening to Bach, maybe some elements of counterpoint will work their way into your playing." Tonight Stowell and local drummer Dave Morwood take over the Hyatt''s stage, along with Gary Regina on sax and Bryan McConnell on bass, for an evening of straightahead, bebob and Brazilian jazz that will rightfully thrill jazz fans to pieces.

8pm. Hyatt Regency, 1 Old Golf Course Rd, Monterey. Free. 372-1234.

Smiley Shows Her Face

JANE SMILEY We know she''s up there in Carmel Valley, thinking, writing, getting juice out of the fridge, tying her shoes. Acclaimed author Jane Smiley lives among us, but who ever gets to see the woman? Today the people ambitious enough to get to the library at 10am will. Smiley is a writer of astounding versatility who has penned the Pulitzer Prize-winning A Thousand Acres, the epic The Greenlanders, a collection of gripping but unsentimental short stories and a smattering of essays and articles. Nowhere, however, are her skill and wit more evident than when she''s gently skewering people''s vanities and illusions, as she does so expertly in Moo and Horse Heaven. This morning she reads from Horse Heaven (she''s a serious horse lover), and it is certain to be an entertaining hour, whether she reads about the crooked horse trainer''s abrupt conversion to Christianity, the choleric billionaire''s ongoing power struggle with his wife''s Jack Russell terrier, or the retired racehorse''s return to the track. Smiley will also read from her new book, Biography of Charles Dickens, due out in May. Rumor has it her next book is about Realtors. What can''t this writer do?

10am. Carmel Velley Library, 65 W. Carmel Valley Rd, Carmel Valley. Free, but reservations suggested. 659-2377.

Haute, Haute, Haute

ART, CRAFTS & MUSIC The thought of arts and crafts events generally produces painful memories of hippies selling floral headbands, disfigured ceramic mugs molded into ugly faces, and really bad art. This one is different-trust us. It''ll be a stylish fair, the kind that sells hand-blown glass and beaded jewelry alongside pine furniture and really good paintings from 50 Central Coast and San Francisco Bay area vendors-the kind of tasteful treats you''d expect from the folks at the Haute Enchilada. This weekend''s Art, Crafts & Music event is the Moss Landing eatery''s second, and features live reggae by the Yardies on Saturday and Broken English''s highly danceable salsa on Sunday. Plus there will be barbecue, gourmet sandwiches and pastries and coffee drinks for sale at the Haute Enchilada. "It''s a place to come to find a great Valentine gift," says Haute Enchilada owner Kim Solano. Or, she suggests, "give nature as a gift. We''re going to have our local kayak companies here, and Sanctuary Cruises promoting their whale-watching trips. You could make a really romantic picnic out of it. Come get food at the Haute Enchilada, take a kayak out, and have a picnic on the slough."

11am-5pm, Sat and Sun. Haute Enchilada, Moss Landing and Sandholt Roads, Moss Landing. Free. 633-5843.

Reggae Kingdom Come

MIKEY DREAD, FULLY FULLWOOD, THE SCIENTIST The seminal Jamaican DJ and producer Mikey Dread (most famous for his work with the Clash), bassist and bandleader Fully Fullwood (who played with Bob Marley, and later with the legendary Soul Syndicate) and original dubmaster The Scientist represent one of the hottest reggae tours to come down the pike in a long time. They''re in Salinas to celebrate the birthdays of Marley and fellow reggae icon Dennis Brown. MC Rocky Bailey and Salinas'' very own Dub Wize will also be playing a set. This evening is going to be so irie, the positive vibes will spread out into Prunedale. Heaven knows the rest of the coast could use some, too.

8pm. Fox California Theatre, 239 Main, Salinas. $18 advance/$20 at door. 758-8459.

Trio of Titans

RICK DELLARATTA TRIO This trio finds a triple-threat performer much loved by true jazz fans teamed with two veteran giants of the jazz scene. Rick DellaRatta''s ability to write and play serious and interesting yet melodic music earns him comparisons with Thelonious Monk. His singing-classically cool and subtly expressive-calls to mind Chet Baker and Antonio Carlos Jobim. Eddie Gomez, on bass, played for years with another smart-and-pretty pianist: the great Bill Evans himself. Drummer Lenny White played with Miles Davis before joining yet another piano virtuoso; he was a longtime member of Chick Corea''s legendary Return to Forever. DellaRatta put this trio together almost five years ago, and they''ve been building a loyal international fan base ever since. The guys are currently on a Jazz for Peace world tour.

7:30pm. The Jazz and Blues Company, Crossroads Shopping Center, Highway 1 and Rio Road. $30. 624-6432.

The Four Horners

ITALIAN SAXOPHONE QUARTET A saxophone quartet is not the novelty act it might seem to be at first blush. Soprano, alto, tenor and baritone saxes produce tones in different registers, but they are related; when heard in unison, the harmonies are uncanny-in the same way that singing sisters can produce uncannily pretty harmonies. The Italian Saxophone Quartet, which has been touring the globe to raves for almost 20 years, draws from numerous genres to find pieces to show off this gorgeous effect. Their Monterey show will feature classical works by Giovanni Gabrelli and Jean Francaix and popular pieces by Paquito D''Rivera, George Gershwin and Scott Joplin.

8pm. Steinbeck Forum, Monterey Conference Center, 1 Portola Plaza. $30 and $40. Tickets for the canceled Feb. 23 Haffner Wind Quintet performance will be honored. 625-9938.

Friends for Life

STEINBECK AND RICKETTS Everyone knows the Doc Ricketts character in Cannery Row is based on marine biologist Ed Ricketts, a buddy of Steinbeck''s. But whereas the Doc of literary imagination is a philandering ladykiller and bon vivant, the real Ed Ricketts was a family man and a slightly more serious guy. This weekend the Aquarium opens an exhibit about the famous friendship between the region''s most revered scribe and its most influential man of science, an intellectual partnership that culminated in a 4,000-mile scientific journey to Mexico. The exhibit will include a scaled-down model of Ricketts'' Pacific Biological Laboratories, original specimens from the aforementioned expedition, which inspired Steinbeck''s Log from the Sea of Cortez, and first editions of several of Steinbeck''s books. Today at 1pm and 2:30pm, a dramatic presentation, "When the Whistle Blew: A Cannery Worker''s Story," tells about life in the factories that once lined the coast of Monterey and stoked the fires of Steinbeck''s imagination. The exhibit runs through December.

1pm & 2:30pm. Monterey Bay Aquarium, 886 Cannery Row, Monterey. $17.95-$7.95. 648-4800.

This week''s Hot Picks were plucked and pickled by Anthony Cardott, Alex Gilrane, Traci Hukill, Jessica Lyons, and Chuck Thurman.