The Weekly's ruthless cephalopod takes a beady-eyed look at local nightly newscasts.

>•••Monday•••

6pm>>KSBW

Damn. Squid’s out $1,000. It was a joke.

Pacific Grove Councilwoman Susan Goldbeck, who recently lost her bid for mayor, leads Action News tonight. At a recent City Council meeting, she said, “I will give anyone in this town $1,000 if they can show I have ever raised my voice or been rude to anybody.”

“The phone calls and the controversy have begun,” intones anchor Dan Green in his friendly-yet-statesmanlike manner, before cutting live to Andrea Menniti in Monterey. Huh? Why’s she not in PG? Maybe it’s because there aren’t any real bars in PG. That’s why Squid avoids the city, anyway. (Note to Squidself: Bring up the topic of bars and booze in next conversation with City Manager Jim Colangelo.)

On the TV, Menniti interviews Goldbeck. “It was a joke,” Goldbeck says. “The idea that actually people call in and are asking to seek the reward is ridiculous.”

Sadly, sarcasm seems to be a lost art in these parts.

A banner in all caps screams across the screen: “GOLDBECK CHALLENGE.” Eeek!! Sounds scary. But not as frightening as what follows…Crime Watch. Oooh, Squid’s fave. With its bold, all-caps banner, and the quick-moving montage of yellow police tape, handcuffs, bullets, a jail door closing, and police lights flashing on the top of the car—it’s so newsy!

Green’s co-anchor, Erin Clark, reports that the murder rate in Salinas is down—it’s at its lowest rate in 20 years.

Wait a minute. Crime Watch is supposed to be scary. Why isn’t Erin trying harder? Squid watches Crime Watch so that Squid has a valid excuse for not ever leaving Squid’s house. This is not working.

Dan Green introduces the second Crime Watch story, about a Santa Cruz man arrested for child molestation and battery. A mug shot of Michael Turner shows a creepy-looking guy with long hair parted down the middle, plus a full mustache and goatee. OK, now Squid’s hiding under the couch with Squid’s pistol aimed at the front door. Ahhh, much better. This is what Squid expects from Crime Watch.

Now, if Squid can just stay awake through Storm Watch, Bay Area News Watch, Health Watch, Money Watch and Consumer Watch (What? No Britney-Minus-Kevin Watch? Oh, that’s right, this is NBC, not FOX) to make it to Animal Stories…

6pm>>KION

Following stories on tainted spinach and Measure V—and a block of mayhem featuring a man lost at sea, a stabbing, and a highway fatality—Squid sits transfixed as anchor Brian Speciale delivers one of his trademarked segments (unfortunately branded as the “Speciale Report”) about Monterey’s water problems.

In the piece, Speciale wonders how the desert community of Scottsdale, Arizona has no water problems, while Monterey, which gets five times as much annual rainfall as Scottsdale, does.

It’s a good question. It’s a big question—maybe too big to fit in a short segment on the small screen.

But right away, Squid is surprised. This is seriously good work.

There is reporting from Arizona. There is Brian atop the San Clemente Dam, and in the riverbed of the Carmel River meeting Cal Am exec Steve Leonard. Squid thinks someone has played a trick and replaced “KION’s 6pm newscast” with a poor man’s 60 Minutes.

I mean, it isn’t news in the chronologically accurate sense of the word, but it beats the hell out of the Britney and Kevin update.

Granted, much time is given Leonard. Squid notes that designated critic David Dilworth is allowed much less time to offer his criticisms. Squid thinks Squid might be reading too much into things, until a Cal-Am advertisement comes on during the next commercial break. Ouch.

The next bit is a deep probe into how to get cheaper airline tickets. The report uncovers that it is less expensive to fly on weekdays. A travel agent is interviewed in a room where loud dance music blares. When the piece wraps, Speciale turns to co-anchor Olga Ospina and asks whether the lady works in a travel agency or a discotheque.

Later on in the broadcast, the self-proclaimed “Eye on the Central Coast” goes cute and cuddly with a bit about the Great American Toy Test, where young ‘uns across the nation get to rank the latest playthings. Squid cannot fathom what the piece has to do with the Central Coast. Whatever. It’s cute. Tonight’s featured toy appears to be a collection of plastic cups that are marketed as the fun-sounding “Speed Stacks Stackpack.” While the Stackpack looks like it might be great for kids who aspire to be bartenders or busboys when they grow up, Olga Ospina notes that “kids get a great upper body workout in the process.”

10pm>>KCBA

What exactly is the deal here? I mean, KCBA is the funny lil’ FOX affiliate that is usually almost a parody. KCBA seemingly can’t do a newscast that fails to include a promotion for the FOX channel’s American Idol masquerading as a “news” story; the anchors are babealicious—even the boys; non-news is elevated to glory status in the extra-wacky Segment 3. And in the last couple of months KCBA seems to have ditched its aces, the high-profile weatherman Pete Giddings and the sweet and stunning Jody Jone. One night they’re in Squid’s bedroom, and the next they just diasapear forever.

So how is it that here on KCBA tonight is anchorbabe Brian Speciale doing real journalism? Of course, this is the same report that ran at 6pm on KION, but still, Squid is impressed.

11pm>>KSBW

More Crime Watch. Then a segment in which crab fishermen say they’re anxious about the crab season, which may or may not open this week. Erin Clark reports that last year’s strike by the fishermen hurt, and in some cases, local residents could not get crab for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Squid yells at the TV: “Oh, there’s f-ing gonna be crab on Squid’s plate for the holidays, even if Squid has to fish it out of the ocean Squidself!”

More Health Watch. Lots more Storm Watch. (Hello? Don’t you people know about weatherchannel.com?) More Goldbeck Challenge, but this time with a line from Susan Goldbeck that was omitted from the 6pm news. She’s waving her hands in the air and talking about how she’s getting out of local politics and how, soon, she’ll be a private citizen. She says, “Let my people go!”

At the end of the show, Green does a segment about the second-place winner in the National Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship. The camera cuts to Mr. Second Place and a friend playing rock, paper, scissors…with playing cards? It’s too much for Green.

“Look at this: rock, paper, scissors cards. Is that the dumbest thing you’ve seen in your life?”

Um, yes, Squid thinks. It is.

Dan can’t get over it. “The stupidest…What is this, for people with no hands? How stupid is that?”

Quite.

11pm>>KION

How do local news stations, each with only a handful of camera crews, fill 10 to 15 hours of airtime every week? They do it by getting footage from their networks or news syndicates. Often they mask the fact that’s it’s canned copy by having a local anchor read the story over the footage. Occasionally, they make other efforts to “localize” the piece.

In commercials before the program, and throughout tonight’s newscast, KION has been teasing a story about Leon Panetta’s visit to DC with the Iraq Study Group. When it airs, the story looks like it was shot in Baghdad. It features one still photograph of President Bush meeting with the Iraq commission. Leon is nowhere to be seen, and is not mentioned. Squid feels sorry that KION believes it has to engage in this subterfuge.

Squid also feels a lot of sympathy for weatherman Norm Hoffman, and for all local TV weathermen. They get so little to work with. No hurricanes, no blizzards, no deadly heat waves. No action. Today it is drizzling. Norm seems to understand that his viewers are concerned. What if the rain continues through the weekend? What happens to Saturday’s golf game? He promises that, as always, he will let us know. “A weekend in every forecast,” he says—and as a trademarked slogan it’s a good gimmick—but he’s not telling us just yet. “After the break,” he says. Oooh, the suspense.

The commercial break includes a public-service ad for KION’s holiday food drive, delivered by Olga Ospina. Squid has come to realize that Squid is in love with Olga Ospina. Squid loves her accent. Squid wants Olga Ospina to take Squid on a trip to Wisconsin, or the Ukraine, or wherever it is that she’s from.

Norm returns with good news and cheesy graphics to show us how he knows the sun will return. Yes!