The Weekly's ruthless cephalopod takes a beady-eyed look at local nightly newscasts.

•••Thursday•••

6pm>>KSBW

Think seaweed salad, only better for you. Squid typically goes into Erin Clark’s Health Watch dizzy from a combination of toxic ink inhalation and too much wine—only to emerge purified and replenished. A Health Watch negates the need for Squid’s annual 5K. It’s a five-minute multivitamin. Today’s is no different. Clark and company offer two very handy windows into wellbeing.

The first even provides a bit of vindication for Squid: Squid knew Squid’s brittle heart finally broke when, earlier in the KSBW news hour, Squid found out Tom Cruise was making it official in Italy with Katie Holmes. Clark asks: “Ever had your heart broken so much so that it physically hurt?” Clark is clearly talking to Squid with those empathetic eyes. “Doctors at the Mayo Clinic are investigating a condition known as Broken Heart Syndrome. Symptoms are similar to a heart attack, including chest pain and shortness of breath.” Squid knew it.

But Squid didn’t know this: “Suburban sprawl may refer more to your waistline than your street sign.” That snarky scientific nugget comes courtesy of Action News’ Penny Pico in LA. Apparently driving everywhere you go is unhealthy. It’s just another scoop served in nice healthy little portions. Squid feels fitter already.

6pm>>KION

Squid wonders if KION anchors were hiding a clipping from a local daily newspaper under their stack of notes when they reported about a south Salinas health club temporarily closing.

The segment reported that the Salinas Athletic Club (affectionately called SAC) has closed its branch off South Main Street due to a leaking reputation…er…roof. The gym’s manager tells the camera that this has been a problem for 13 years. Hmmm. Squid wonders how many times SAC members tripped over buckets of water on their way to the treadmill, or if umbrellas became a common gym-wear accessory. Maybe after their workout guys would just stand under the holes in the roof instead of hitting the showers.

Squid suggests that the club just move into the CTB McGraw-Hill site near the Salinas Municipal Airport. According to another segment, the company is shutting down its standardized-test-scoring office and transferring 50 jobs. You know, with eight arms apiece, 13 of Squid’s friends could score more cards than 50 people.

10pm>>KCBA

Sometimes the relationship between KCBA and KION (they are sister stations) confuses Squid. Like the times when one station will run a segment on one day and then the other station will run the same segment a day or two later.  

Take this episode of the Great American Toy Test, which Squid watched Tuesday night. Here it is again. Exact same footage. TV skateboarding and digital cameras for kids. Same intro joke, even, about how these high-tech toys “leave nothing to the imagination.” Sorry, Brian, Squid didn’t laugh on Tuesday, either.  

In the “Speciale Report: General Pain,” Brian Speciale asks outgoing-state-Assemblyman-slash-Supervisor-elect Simón Salinas a tough question: “When I say these two words [General and Plan] what is the first thing that comes to your mind?”

Squid has a question: Will someone please put Squid out of Squid’s misery?

After the Speciale Report, Joel Moreno delivers a report about cows too close to crops. Supervisor Lou Calcagno, it seems, sold 350 head of cattle earlier this week because nearby veggie farms fear E. coli contamination. Joel says cow manure can contain the deadly strain of E. coli that recently sickened hundreds and killed three. And just to make sure that we viewers get the picture, the camera zooms in on a big, juicy pile of cowshit. Nice.

But the big story of the night is the Sony “Play Station Craze of ‘06.”

Reporter Da Lin is live in Salinas, at Target, where a bunch of losers…er…people with a lot of free time have been waiting in line since Tuesday night. The PS3s will be available on Friday, and Target in Salinas will sell 10. Already about 50 people are waiting, and “the store is confused about what to do,” Lin says. So, they’ve called the cops. Meanwhile, kids jump around in front of the TV cameras and call their moms on cell phones: “Hey, look at me! I’m on the TV!”

Says one normal guy, “I can think of a lot better thing to do with $600.” Squid, too, can think of better ways to spend Squid’s money and time. Then again, Squid realizes, here Squid sits, spending time watching a TV news story about the PS3s.

12:10am>>KSBW

Missing a nightly newscast no longer plunges Squid into a panic. Squid can find Dan Green and Erin Clark waiting, in podcast form, on Squid’s laptop screen. And the “replay” button makes sure this mollusk doesn’t miss a moment of the coverage Squid counts on.

Squid had to do several double-takes during Phil Gomez’s report on Holy City, a bizarre historic municipality in the Santa Cruz mountains that is up for sale. Erin Clark reports that the head of the former cult town was a white supremacist who sold holy water on the side of Highway 17. Now the town of two people (the population drops by 50 percent at night) is overseen by a glass blower and self-appointed mayor, Tom Stanton.

Squid sees another cult in the making for this former town of 300. The realtor interviewed onscreen says he is open to religious groups, or perhaps a winery, staking claim to Holy City. One potential buyer says he has a community of 15 families looking to set up an “eco-village.”

For some reason, the idea of a modern-day commune with a glass blower for a mayor is unsettling to Squid. But before Squid can reach for the mouse, KSBW plays some spooky church music while showing a spinning shot of redwood trees that entranced Squid. Hmmm…Squid City?