The Weekly's ruthless cephalopod takes a beady-eyed look at local nightly newscasts.

•••Friday•••

6pm>>KION

As Squid knows from watching TV news, the world is a scary place. What with all the natural disasters, wild animals and O.J. Simpson, Squid thinks it’s probably best to dig a hole and retreat underground. Hmm…but then what about earthquakes? And snakes?

Tonight, Brian and Olga report that a deadly tornado killed eight in North Carolina. A mountain lion prowled around downtown San Luis Obispo, before being killed by police. And in Connecticut, an armed gunman robbed and shot people waiting in line to buy a Play Station 3 outside of Wal-Mart.

Finally, one moment of respite: The Lady Washington, a tall ship featured in Pirates of the Caribbean, sailed into Monterey, where she’ll dock for two weeks. Squid’s bliss is compounded when Olga says: “It might just make you go arrrrgh.” (Of course, there is no “gh” in the Pirate-talk word “arrrr!” But maybe they say it differently in Wisconsin, or the Ukraine, or wherever it is that the lovely Olga Ospina is from.)

Then it gets scary again. President Bush, in Hanoi, comments on the parallels between Vietnam and Iraq: “It’s just going to take a long period of time for an ideology that is hopeful…to overcome an ideology of hate,” he says.

And then it gets scarier: Again, Squid is forced to watch another segment about O.J. Simpson and his disgusting new book. Footage of O.J. golfing, and signing autographs, and golfing some more, and signing more autographs. “Friends say O.J. Simpson would play golf every day if he could,” says some newscaster in voiceover. Great. A human-interest piece about a guy who brutally murdered his ex and her friend and then writes a tell-all about it. Squid can’t decide which is scarier: that he got away with it, or that he’s getting tons of free publicity for it, or that Squid is sitting here watching it.

6pm>>KSBW

Dan Green calls Salinas Police cars “boring” before a segment on the Escondido Police Department’s new Dodge Charger. The 340-horsepower Hemi engine has Dan all revved up.

“That thing is…just awesome,” Green said. He then points out that sports anchor Dennis Lehnen has driven the General Lee from the “Dukes of Hazzard.” (Lehnen doesn’t quite cut it as Bo Duke.) Squid can hear Dan’s request to management now: “We need hotrod news cars so we can get to breaking news faster.”

Then, Squid almost slides off Squid’s seat when sports reporter Kyle Rohrs nearly gets mowed down by a football player.

Rohrs, a young and zealous type, is previewing a matchup between Seaside High and King City High when a football nearly nails him from behind. A player seeking some camera time then runs up behind the reporter like he is going to tackle him. Cool!

And what’s a Friday night without an enlightening editorial by KSBW President Joseph Heston. (Heston’s impeccable hair alone demands attention.) Heston retells the history of the Thanksgiving holiday and concludes that we still have a lot to be grateful for in America, such as free elections, public education and prosperity. Thus inspired, Squid will be thinking patriotic thoughts Thursday while Squid gorges Squidself with turkey and watches football. Squid might even perform a party trick that has entertained and disgusted Squid’s family at holiday events for years—belching the National Anthem.

10pm>>KCBA

For some reason, Squid is thinking, Brian Speciale seems to be in full-on Eddy Haskell mode tonight. Here’s that story, again, about fun-loving Play Station fans shooting each other in Connecticut. And here’s a heart-warmer about a replica Dennis the Menace statue on loan to Monterey to replace the one that was stolen in the most notorious crime in recent Monterey history. It’s a slow news town.

So it’s off to a newsworthy in-depth report on Tom Cruise’s pending wedding. Then a Segment 3 about a Polish artist in Chicago and a German artist in Germany who created 200 new jobs in some town with his skeletal art pieces.

Then, the final installment of the Great American Toy Test, featuring the real winner: a bike without pedals that will teach 3-year-olds to balance, for $135.

Then Norm Hoffman points his finger and says, “First at 10.”

11pm>>KION

Ahh, Friday. When this evening is over, Squid can lock Squidself away from deadlines and the editors for two full days, maybe even settle in for a marathon of old Doogie Howser episodes on DVD. Yup, Squid is feeling good.

Apparently Brian Speciale is not. Squid gets the sense that Speciale is finally breaking under the weight of days and days of Tom Cruise-Kate Holmes wedding stories. But it appears that he has found two ways of coping: sarcasm and weatherman-abuse.

“You can hear the buzz if you listen close enough,” Speciale says of the wedding. “The event is just hours away.” Speciale, with the aid of a correspondent in Italy, then proceeds to detail everything from the outfits the couple will be wearing to the guest list to the menu.

“And there’ll be something sweet to top off the very rich affair…” the piece wraps up. “A cake flown in from LA.” Speciale quotes the price of the wedding—“a million and a half dollars”—and then, just barely, lets slip with a little sarcastic quip: “Norm, ain’t it great?” Squid detects a note in the voice indicating that Speciale doesn’t really think it’s all that great. A cephalopod less responsible than Squid might even speculate that Speciale doesn’t much like his job right now.

In reply, Norm Hoffman can only grin goofily. He is sitting awfully close to Speciale at their little desk. Speciale doesn’t let up. “It’s wonderful, i’nt it?”

Speciale could be talking about the wedding, the fact that he’s been forced to sit there and smile and tell us about it all week, or about the whole enterprise of local TV news. Squid’s feelings are the same either way. “Yes it is wonderful,” thinks Squid, “yes it is.”

11pm>>KSBW

Dan and Erin start fast with a collage of war-related stories. This is actually good stuff. A local man who patrols the Tomb of the Unknown, a Vietnam exhibit at the National Steinbeck Center, Bush landing in Vietnam while Americans are killed and kidnapped in Iraq, the Defense Department gearing up for a $160-billion request to Congress for the war effort. Then we move to a church in the peaceful town of Felton, where a turkey drive is underway.

Finally, in Squid’s jaundiced view, we hit bottom. Onto the screen flashes the intro for Health Watch 8, in which we learn from a surgeon that silicon implants offer “the most natural look and feel in breast reconstruction.” Followed in the same segment by the story about Wilbur, a pot-bellied pig who got plastic surgery on his eyelids. Health Watch, we are reminded, is sponsored by CHOMP.

And since they aim to please, the good folks at KSBW then provide us with the winning lotto numbers, over a view from Fremont Peak. A view Squid likes—almost as pretty as the ocean at 400 feet—with a few lights blinking.

Next—dateline The Netherlands—4 million dominoes fall in a perfectly choreographed maneuver and form a VW Microbus and a peace sign. Squid is amazed. Dan is amazed. He looks at Erin and says, “Isn’t this amazing?” Yes, it is Dan!

Then we’re ushered to a news conference about a new eco-automobile. The segment is interrupted by Jack (president of Jack in the Box), who knows we viewers want something more exciting, and helpfully tells us to buy his sirloin ciabatta sandwich. Squid’s not making this up—even the commercials on the 11 o’clock news make fun of the 11 o’clock news. Squid is forced to recall a Political Theory class Squid was forced to take before flunking out of J-school and says to Squidself: “Aha! The artifice is simulating the simulation!” Coming up next: Operation Football Blitz.

God bless Dennis Lehnen—he saved Squid from having to chew off Squid’s own tentatcles to keep from heaving Squid’s prized 1979 Trintron out the window.

This is what Squid loves best about local TV news. It’s the first week of local high school football playoffs, and ESPN has got nothing on the Blitz. There is beautiful footage of Palma slapping the poor saps from San Jose’s Cardinal Mitty around. There are heroic interceptions shown as Seaside High makes short work of the outmanned King City squad. And Squid delights in seeing the Pacific Grove Breakers break the Monterey Toreadors’ confidence and triumph 28-0. Oh, and then there is sadness as the news and images come in to show that the Haybalers of Hollister have gone down in defeat.