Welcome. You have just turned 21. Or you have just turned over your tuition check to the strange man with the darkroom dorm room in exchange for a hallelujah-worthy ID– holograms and all.

But you’re new at this, and unaware of where to go.

Fear not. Once again, the Weekly’s got your tattooed back. Take the following 10-question quiz and your answers will align you with the ideal watering hole.

THE QUESTIONS

a. Porn star Jenna Jameson

b. Irish Car Bomb

c. Postmodern philosopher Frederic Jameson

d. Folk rocker Bobby Jameson

e. Double whiskey on the rocks

f. That’s so blasé

a. Cologne and condoms

b. A bike pump

c. A Moleskine journal

d. Fully loaded iPod

e. A flask

f. Dad’s credit card

a. Gel-helmet hair

b. Ratty baseball cap

c. Beret

d. Fedora

e. Cowboy hat

f. Juicy Couture pave charm headband

a. Anna Nicole Smith

b. Tom Landry (or even just his hat)

c. Pablo Picasso

d. William F. Buckley (looking dead counts)

e. Charles Bukowski

f. Princess Diana

a. Winning or at least watching wet T-shirt contests at Papas & Beer in Rosarito Beach

b. Attending spring training in Tuscon

c. Camping in Big Sur

d. Making the annual pilgrimage to SXSW

e. Couch surfing at a destination TBD

f. Sunning and spa treatments at Maui’s Grand Wailea Resort

a. Keep your eyes on the thighs. It’s time to prime this weekend’s nookie

b. Are in football withdrawal. Sunday’s epic game left a sweet residue of longing, like an empty bag of circus peanuts

c. Are ready for parties. Political parties. How will Clinton’s convention bombshell impact Obama’s VP search? You could speculate all night

d. Feel a burnin’ to rock the mic

e. Want a cigarette with your beer, preferably inside. You’ll reward any bartender who creatively interprets California’s smoking laws with an extra 50-cent tip

f. Select Chardonnay to go with your escargot

a. Whatever she is drinking

b. Anything that comes in a pitcher

c. A black and tan or Chimay if available

d. Hefeweizen with lemon

e. Number nine

f. You prefer dry martinis

a. Squeal “Dis my shiiiiiiiiiitttt!!!” and drop it like it’s hot

b. Bellow, “It’s the eyyyyye of the tiger… ” while violently moshing with your teammates and elbowing nearby patrons

c. Turn it down so it complements the conversation without overpowering it

d. Close your eyes and enjoy the chords of the 15th sonata, forgetting all about the post-modern art critique you were writing before you pressed play

e. Dry-hump the jukebox

f. Sing along with the distinguished piano bar man with a pitch that makes your champagne glass ring

a. Tight T-shirts, perhaps a buzz cutt

b. A soccer jersey

c. A well-placed piercing

d. A guitar pick

e. A Camel unfiltered

f. Gucci glasses

a. Using this line on a blond cutie: “The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.”

b. Yelling “What the $#%@, how’d he miss that?”

c. Explaining to your best friend (and Philosophy TA): “I couldn’t possibly be drunk, since this beer in front of me does not exist. Naw, those other five never existed either. It’s just an illusion of sensory observa– hiccup”

d. Taking a call from your mom during the middle of a set: “Whaaaa-at? I can’t hear you over the musi– “

e. Telling the bartender to bring another round for you and your new friend Timmy. Doesn’t matter that Timmy’s a stool

f. Instructing the bartender that civilized girls still know how to put the “dirty” in “dirty martini”

THE ANSWERS

You know what you want– besides a glowing test tube drink on the dance floor at Club Octane. It’s not someone to talk to about class; it’s someone to dance with who has little class and lots of ass. The places to go include the Mukcy Duck (479 Alvarado St.,Monterey,655-3031), where relentless DJs keep the back patio packed and constant drink specials keep the populace loose. A steady stream of military machos and college kids looking for cheap drinks help ensure plenty of heat and meat. Down the street Doc Ricketts Lab (180 E. Franklin St., Monterey, 649-4241) does a mean dance floor itself, and has great free food and cheap drink specials all week. For a more industrial version of this mood, try Club Octane (321 Alvarado St. # D,646-9244). For the same feel without the feel-you-up dance floor, hit Lallapalooza’s (474 Alvarado St.,Monterey, 645-9036) across the street from the Duck or cousin destination Lalla Lounge (1250 S. Main St., Salinas, 759-8331).

The fine dining spots, with their Muzak and tablecloths, can kiss your Nike kicks. You’re all about the rowdy cheers and jeers, the burgers and poppers, the high-fives and big screens, the pints and pitchers of ice cold beer… the hallmarks of the great American sports bar. Your character meets its match at Characters Sports Bar & Grill (350 Calle Principal, Monterey, 647-4023), where you can feast among sports memorabilia with a big screen. Hit Peter B’s (2 Portola Plaza, Monterey, 649-4511), with its oak wood bar and onsite brewery. A little further south, at Brophy’s Tavern (San Carlos and Fourth, Carmel, 624-2476) you can count on great cheesesteak and one of Carmel’s best sports-bar scenes. Keep heading south and end up across the Atlantic at British pub Maiden Publick House (46840 Highway 1, Big Sur, 667-2355), a virtual exchange program of international beer, and futbol on the telly. Salinas’ own British spot, Penny Farthing Tavern (9 E. San Luis St., Salinas, 424-5652) is a favorite among journalists as well as people looking to eat. Commune with local and visiting sports fans at Hyatt Regency’s Knuckles (1 Old Golf Course Road, Monterey, 372-1234)– our readers’ favorite for the great grub, free popcorn and peanuts and multiple big screens. Carmel’s Jack London’s Bar & Grill (Dolores and Fifth, Carmel, 624-2336) is open late with big booths and strategically located flatscreens.

As a member of the esteemed intelligentsia, you can sharpen the tip of that pointy head at Ol’ Factory Café (1725 Contra Costa St.,Sand City, 394-7336). Everyone knows that bud makes you stupid… but hot cherry ale inspires genius Scrabble plays. If political gossip is your thing, ape the Pacific Grove City Council and toss back some pints at Crown & Anchor (150 W Franklin St.,Monterey, 649-6496), where you can eavesdrop under cover of a fried fish sandwich. Feel no pangs of social conscience at East Village Coffee Lounge (498 Washington St.,Monterey, 373-5601), where the coffee is organic and fair trade, and the beer flows as freely as the local economy. Or drift over to Indian Summer (220 Olivier St.,Monterey, 372-4744), because cumin makes you smarter. And if the beer doesn’t suppress your superego, you can spike your mango lassi from a discreet flask of vodka.

You just may gleefully groove out as soon as you hear electric guitar. You certainly appreciate the euphonious harmony of live instruments more than crapulent ramblings. Turn to Monterey Live (414 Alvarado St., Monterey, 375-5483), where a jazz lounging stage welcomes eclectic touring bands and balanced tastes of local music flavor. For the DUI-sensitive CSUMB student and performance-loving college crowd at large, the Black Box Cabaret (corner of Third Street and Fourth Avenue, Seaside, 582-3597) offers semi-weekly concerts, from punk to banda, as well as occasional student theater and open mics. A new venue to look out for this school year is Giovane’s Italian Restaurant (348 San Juan Grade, Salinas, 444-6717), which has opened its doors to local indie rockers the Mystery Lights and string metal heads Judgement Day.

You like places and people with lots of character. The people might be war veterans or folks on their fifth divorces. The places might be dimly lit and their restrooms could be reminiscent of third-world pit toilets. But these are the places where the stories flow as fast as the cheap drinks. Monterey has two such hotspots in the bare bones Segovia’s (650 Lighthouse Ave., Monterey, 372-9981) and Alfredo’s Cantina (266 Pearl St., Monterey, 375-0655) with its old-school ambiance. Another character magnet is the Moss Landing Inn (7902 Highway 1, Moss Landing, 633-5398), a dollar-bill-decorated hole in the wall populated by local salty dogs and tourists who stumble in after a dinner at the adjacent Whole Enchilada. Other spots to learn about life and love from your elders over stiff, no-frills drinks include the Shadow Box (1904 Fremont Blvd., Seaside, 394-3242) and Mortimer’s (3100 Del Monte Blvd., Marina, 384-7667).

You enjoy the finer things in life, and don’t mind paying for them, preferably with someone else’s money. Mom and Dad willingly foot the bill– for now. But they’re not looking to pay past the five-year plan, which means it’s time to start looking for another source of income. Lucky you: The Peninsula is loaded with Sugar Daddies willing and able to throw down big bucks for a college cutie. Check out the Mission Ranch (26270 Dolores St., Carmel, 624-6436). It’s often called “Heaven’s Waiting Room,” but we prefer to think of it as a big-money buffet. The Tap Room (2700 17 Mile Dr., Pebble Beach, 625-8535) is a prime spot to snag a golfer who has just finished a round at Pebble. For a romantic night out, get cozy with a special someone, sip wine and watch the sunset over the Pacific at the fireside lounge at Traps at The Inn at Spanish Bay (2700 17 Mile Dr., Pebble Beach, 647-7500) or enjoy a private dinner for two in the Wine Room at the Pacific’s Edge (120 Highlands Dr., Carmel, 622-5463). For big-city ambiance (and the best Italian wine list) in the heart of Carmel, try Cantinetta Luca (Ocean and Seventh, Carmel, 625-6500).