Twenty alternative uses for the Weekly.

“To line the bird cage, wrap the trout and summon a pirate hat, etc.”

It’s a mission that lives in a less public place that the side of the Weekly World Headquarters in Seaside, in less ambitious language than the mantra written there (“To inspire independent thinking and conscious action, etc.”).

But after the Weekly’s words and images have been read, its soy ink-printed, 100-percent recycled pages often aren’t done serving the community: They move into the machinery that makes Monterey County tick, helping locals get in costume, balance out and clean up.

Staff members recently gathered the 20 best alternative uses for the Weekly. (Other inspired uses are welcome at letters@mcweekly.com.) Here’s what they distilled: “To line the bird cage, wrap the trout and summon a pirate hat, etc.”

It’s a mission that lives in a less public place that the side of the Weekly World Headquarters in Seaside, in less ambitious language than the mantra written there (“To inspire independent thinking and conscious action, etc.”).

But after the Weekly’s words and images have been read, its soy ink-printed, 100-percent recycled pages often aren’t done serving the community: They move into the machinery that makes Monterey County tick, helping locals get in costume, balance out and clean up.

Staff members recently gathered the 20 best alternative uses for the Weekly. (Other inspired uses are welcome at letters@mcweekly.com.) Here’s what they distilled:

20. DEPLOY ANTI-STANK ARTILLERY

Stuffing gym shoes with the pages of this independent rag helps knock out the smell.

19. MAKE MOVES

It’s OK to use the Weekly to protect plates and glasses– in moderation. Nabbing stacks of free periodicals is illegal and punishable by more than tarnished karma.

18. ADD HEAT

“I forgot paper,” the camper holding firewood told the Fernwood receptionist. The response: “Just grab some Weeklies.” Paper mâcheing the ride for Burning Man is another way to warm things up.

17. SOAK IT UP

After absorbing all the issue’s insight, do the same to some spilled beer.

16. DISCOVER BALANCE

Countless Weekly-carrying businesses have provided their clients with in-house news, arts and entertainment– and have found stability for wobbly table legs.

15. CLARIFY THINGS

Washing windows with the Weekly produces far better results than using paper towels or rags. Just ask the pros. “I use you guys all the time,” a street entrepreneur told one Weekly employee before cleaning the windows of the company truck for a quarter.

14. SERVE STUFFING

Pad the bra or jock. Print media has long been a resource for rehabbing one’s image.

13. CONTROL MINDS

Stop headaches by blocking out hangover-activating sun without springing for costly curtains: tape the Weekly to windows.

12. FASHION AN OUTFIT

Take a cue from genius London designer Roland Mouret, who designed a dress with the Wall Street Journal, and make something with even more substance (and independence) than he did.

11. BE THE BOSS OF SAUCE

Keep stains and crumbs in check for cheap: Weeklies work as table clothes, napkins, bibs and wipes– if you don’t mind a little newsprint on your trousers.

10. FIND YOUR GIFT

Informal studies indicate that people love 100 percent of the thoughtful gifts they receive that are wrapped in a recent Weekly.

9. LIGHT THE FIRE

The current political climate is ripe for a little rioting. A nice Weekly wick for the Molotov cocktail on your mind is a viable alternative to a rag better used to wipe down the Datsun.

8. MAKE PRETTY PLEASE

The Weekly layouts are lovely on their own– try dropping a bouquet of locally grown dalias, daisies and sunflowers in the sheath they create.

7. ENTER THE FOLD

Practice the ancient art of origami– less sweaty than yoga, more relaxing than Sudoku.

6. SWINGING PARTY

Piñatas. Period.

5. WRAP SESSION

The classic application still has a place in our hearts. The Weekly’s five-year anniversary edition actually read “Five Years of Fish Wrap.”CK

4. CATCH SH**

One reader’s birds have fallen victim to all kinds of threats: obscure diseases, unpredictable mood swings and obnoxious friends. The one thing he can always count on… that the Weekly will help keep their cage clean.

3. CHECK MATEY

International Talk Like a Pirate Day’s website says your inner pirate can help you lose weight, get a date and check your mental state. But your outer pirate still needs an affordable hat.

2. BAIT AND SWITCH

No fish involved here, though poor execution could lead to sleeping with them: Stuffing briefcases with the Weekly instead of money.

1. MAKE DEMANDS

Cut out letters for a ransom note (or creepy memos).

Compiled with contributions from Adam Joseph, George Kassal, Carrie Kuhl, Linda Maceira, Kevin Smith, Zachary Stahl, Aaron Thomas and Stuart Thornton.