At first glance, it looks like your average high school dance. Nervous-looking teenagers dressed in hip outfits lean against the walls, trying to look cool as they watch a group of their peers gyrate to Madonna on the dance floor. But a closer look reveals that this is no ordinary dance: Boys are dancing with boys, girls are dancing with girls, same-sex couples are making out--activities here in plain view that would probably incite ugly name-calling and maybe even physical attacks at a typical high school dance.

Welcome to the Gay Teen Alliance (GTA) Pride Dance, which took place Saturday, June 20 in the Archer Center in Monterey. A program of the Monterey County AIDS Project, GTA is a support and social group for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered youths between the ages of 14 and 25.

"Being an adolescent is difficult enough, and having an issue like being gay on top of it can be very intense," says GTA Facilitator Joyce Hamman. "These kids are so happy to see that they aren''t alone."

Hamman explained that GTA activities like the Pride Dance are designed not only to give gay youth a safe place to go, but to help them express themselves. "We don''t think people would accept us [at a regular dance]," explained 16-year-old GTA member "Matthew." A student at Palma High School, Matthew attended the GTA dance with his best friend "Clive," who is straight and who admitted he felt "kind of weird" coming to the dance.

Matthew only recently was able to tell Clive that he was gay, and he has yet to confide to anyone else except a favorite teacher. "I tried to tell him on the Fourth of July but I chickened out. I ended up telling him two days later," he says, adding quickly, "Hey, you''re not going to use my real name, are you? Because if my parents found out I was here, I think they''d probably kick me out." Matthew''s 18-year-old friend "Alexis" also shudders at the though of her parents finding out that she was at a gay dance.

"I''m not here trying to meet someone. a lot of times, I still question if I am gay, I really don''t know," says Alexis. "But everybody in my family assumes I''m gay because I don''t have a boyfriend. My grandma even started buying me dresses because everyone thinks I''m gay." Several teenagers in attendance at the dance said they had come out to their families and peers, with mixed results.

Eighteen-year-old Daniel Torres came out to both his family and peers while still a student at Salinas High School.

"There were 2,000 students in my school, and not one of them was out," says Torres, who says he has known he was gay since he was about eight. "I decided to be that person, and I started to wear the gay life on my sleeve." His acknowledgment of his sexual preference was not without consequence. "Some of the guys at school cut out an article about a gay-bashing that happened in Monterey and stuck it on my desk," he recalls. At home, his family still deals with his sexual preference by not discussing it.

"My being gay is not talked about in my house," he adds. The night of the dance, Torres offered a ride to two Salinas friends. But when Torres told one of the pair that the other would-be passenger was also a schoolmate, he announced that he no longer wanted to go to the dance, fearful of being "outed" in front of a peer.

Those kinds of shameful feelings inspired Torres to become active in the Salinas GTA and to work as a volunteer community health outreach worker at the Monterey County AIDS Project. "There''s a lot of kids out there who need someone to talk to. I''ve had a lot of friends who were suicidal over being gay," says Torres.

In a study on gay male and lesbian youth suicide, the US Dept. of Health and Human Services found lesbian and gay youth are two to six times more likely to attempt suicide than other youth, and account for up to 30 percent of all completed teen suicides.

Seventeen-year-old Jason Troia understands such pain very well. He explains that he used to suffer from such acute depression surrounding being gay that when he was 16, he was placed in a treatment facility in Utah. But the experience has made him closer to his family, who now offer him their support.

"My parents are great, and they know I''m here tonight," says Troia. "My dad drives me to GTA meetings. I guess they''ve decided there is no use in having animosity between us."

GTA member Eric Norman, 19, says he came to the dance as a declaration of his pride in who he is.

"There is no shame in the game," says Norman. Growing up, he says was often called a "queer" and a "fag," but it wasn''t until after he came to the Defense Language Institute that Norman came out and voluntarily withdrew from the military. "Being open and out is the best thing for me," says Norman. "I loved the military and wish I could still be in, but life is too short to worry about being punished for being gay." cw

The Monterey GTA meets the second and fourth Fridays from 7pm. The Salinas GTA meets every third Saturday from 1-3pm. To contact the Gay Teen Alliance call 772-8202 or 393-34357 Website: www.gtamonterey.org

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