When we last left the Monterey Planning Commission, members had been relieved of their chair-selection duties. Now it seems commissioners have also been relieved of the privilege of relieving themselves--at least during meeting times. That was apparently the case at last week''s commission meeting when Chairman Bill McCrone refused to allow commissioners their usual mid-meeting potty break.

Last week''s, McCrone ignored the usual 8:30pm pee pause and denied a request from Commissioner Walter Keintzel for a break. However, the call of the wild prevailed and around 9:15pm, Keintzel excused himself without permission. When he returned, the room was empty--a group request for a break having been grudgingly agreed to by a grumpy McCrone.

Could all those unrelieved tensions have contributed to the downward spiral of last week''s meeting, which resulted in the chairman''s gavel-wielding temper tantrum? Perhaps those serving under the McCrone regime should wear Depends (so as not to disrupt the flow of meetings).

All''s Well That''s Orwell

In anticipation of county hearings on the Pebble Beach Company''s proposal to build 316 new homes and a new golf course in Del Monte Forest, the mediameisters at PBC are mailing thousands of brief questionnaires, hoping to garner public support for its development proposal.

Having taken a sneak peek at the company''s cover letter and questionnaire, Squid thought it would be helpful to provide a handy translation for PBC''s unique use of the English language (affectionately called "Forestspeak" in the spirit of Squid''s former fishing buddy George Orwell).

Heretowith, a sampling:

"Forest and open space preservation"--PBC says it will set aside 400 acres of permanent open space. PBC doesn''t mention it will eliminate 675 acres of forest and cut down 37,000 trees--32,000 of which PBC will replant, and which our descendants will no doubt enjoy.

"Reduced Homesites"--PBC means they won''t try to build 889 new homes from a 1980s forest plan that arguably would never be approved by county planners today.

"Water Conservation"--PBC means they will use reclaimed water for irrigation to eliminate the need for new water allocations. PBC isn''t promising to reduce existing water demand--which I consider real "conservation."

"Road Improvements"--What PBC means is they will construct road improvements to minimize additional traffic on Highway 1 near the hospital exit --traffic that I''ve often seen heading towards the PBC gate.

--Squid

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