By Aaron S. Birk
Thursday, August 10, 2000
The Olympics are right around the corner, and as the competition heats up, we mere mortal observers might feel compelled to compete in our own Olympic games. Freestyle martini mixing and long distance lounging would be good choices for us stranded here on the edge of the western world. Today gold, silver, and bronze medals are awarded to those few who took the time to share their thoughts with us about this year''s Olympic shindig. So lean back, eat a taco, and thank God you''re not an Olympic athlete.
Eric Bloom (Bronze)
Tow truck driver, Monterey
What is your favorite Olympic event? I would have to say hockey. I love hockey. It''s the only sport that means anything.
Really? So what is a useless event, then? Curling--those rings people try to roll on the ground for points. That doesn''t sound very competitive.
If you could come up with an event, what would it be? I''d like to see some frozen turkey bowling.
Mindy Helam (Silver)
What is your favorite event? I really like men''s diving. I love to watch it.
What is a pathetic event? No contest. Synchronized swimming. That is completely stupid.
Which event would you win if you could? I''d win the freestyle long distance phone calling event. I call my family a lot.
Corey Bell (Gold)
If you could make up an event, what would it be? Ooh...naked coed Jell-O wrestling. I''d win, too.
Sure, sure--and what event do you like the best? Easy. Women''s gymnastics. The reason is obvious.
The event you loathe the most? Karate, man. There''s already enough violence in the world. At least my event is nice and fun, right?