Come to the Dark Side, Michael, It Is Your Destiny!
Thursday, July 13, 2000
Well, reel Squid in, fry me up and bathe me in a bath of blood-red cocktail sauce. Never in all my long, smart-aleck life would I have thunk this. Rick Heuer, a past frequenter of my column from the anti-Measure B campaign (think "Save Monterey" hysterics) is publicly opposing the 16-screen movie theater planned for Del Monte Center. Heuer took the lead on "saving" Monterey from the Coastal Protection Initiative, which would have restricted development on Monterey''s coastline had it not been defeated at the ballot box in March. But now Heuer sees building a 16-screen movie theater in an existing shopping mall as an outrageous proposition, and has organized a grassroots band of anti-movie marauders called the "Montereyans Against The Megaplex." Catchy. Seems the big screen is a little too big for Heuer, who declares that the project is "bigger than Mervyn''s." So is the Monterey Peninsula Hotel, Rick, which you supported.
But if that don''t beat all, Heuer''s former nemesis in the Measure B brouhaha is acting peculiar, too. Do-gooder Michael Stamp is representing the city of Pacific Grove in a lawsuit against the proponents of an initiative to stop a proposed civic center. The irony here is that Stamp was the attorney defending the Coastal Initiative, which he co-authored, when the city of Monterey sued proponents for failure to follow state elections code. And boy howdy, did Stamp and company have a field day with that one, declaring themselves martyrs, helpless victims of a tyrannical city with the audacity to sue its own well-intentioned citizens. Now Stamp himself has turned to the dark side.
What''s going on here? This role reversal has me all messed up, vertigo is setting in, I''ve lost my bearings, I can''t tell which way is up...or is it just that bright light shining in my eyes...?
And After All I''ve Done For These People
Speaking of light shining in my eyes, you can imagine Squid''s horror upon reading the Weekly''s cover story this week detailing the lives of squidkind''s human predators. What kind of loyalty is that? I''ve never been on the cover. To think, after all these years of humble service, selling my tentacles for great tips, living on sub-human wages. And what do the ingrates put in the paper? "Poor struggling fishermen! Their lives are so-o-o hard. Oh, look, they have to stay awake all night long in order to murder helpless cephalopods by the ton." What drivel. They''re barbarians one and all.
Well, one thing you won''t read in "Bright Lights, Squid City" is that there exists a certain creature called the Giant Squid, and this guy can open up a can of whoop-ass on a fisherman faster than you can say "extra tartar sauce, please." A couple of weeks ago, a 7-foot-long, 63-pound squid was found floating off the coast of Antarctica. And that was the little one. That squid has a big brother.
The largest known living invertebrate in the world is a squid on display for the public to ogle over at the American Museum of Natural History''s Hall of Biodiversity in New York. This splendid specimen is 25 feet long, weighs no less than 250 pounds and eats boats like the Buccaneer for breakfast.
So a word of caution is in order to all the mighty squid fishermen of the world: Beware! We know where you live. And those ink spots on your hands? Those don''t wash out, my friends. We know who you are.
By the by, as for how much my editors know, let''s start with counting tentacles. Let me now set the record straight and clarify that, despite contrary belief around the Weekly newsroom, squid have 10 tentacles, not eight. Why do you think they''re called TENtacles?
Love Squid, don''t eat ''em: firstname.lastname@example.org.