MEET THE NEW BOSS...
Thursday, December 13, 2001
Squid's already PO-ed that the Central Coast will soon be represented by an out-of-town Republican, but the news that the Monterey Peninsula's next likely Senator is an anti-choicer sent Squid into a beak-clacking, ink-spewing, tentacles-flailing downward spiral. According to Planned Parenthood''s latest pro-choice scorecard, all elected officials serving Monterey County earned a 100 percent pro-choice rating--U.S. Senators BARBARA BOXER and DIANE FEINSTEIN; U.S. Representative SAM FARR; State Senator BRUCE MCPHERSON; and State Assemblymembers FRED KEELEY and SIMON SALINAS. Assemblyman ABEL MALDONADO, however, the Republican from Santa Maria who''s the front-runner for the newly configured Monterey Peninsula-San Luis Obispo-northern Santa Barbara state Senate seat only scored a 44 percent. He "leans anti-choice," according to Planned Parenthood scribes. There goes the woman-friendly, liberal-leaning neighborhood.
MOSCOW ON THE BAY...And if the Maldonado threat isn''t enough to make you pack your bags and get out of town, the high cost of housing should be. Unfortunately, it hasn''t budged renters'' rights zealot KAY STAR, of the infamous HELP FOR RENTERS.ORG, but a Squid can dream. Unless some lawsuit-happy, affordable housing activists move into the neighborhood first. Like RONALD HALLFELDT, a disabled Folsom native, who sued his hometown for lacking low-cost rentals. "My nephew and niece, when they get a place, they get three or more people in a small apartment to share the rent," he told the Associated Press. "It''s kind of like they do in Russia." Or the Monterey Peninsula, for that matter.
CRUEL AND UNCOOL...Squid had to put down the coffee on Wednesday morning and wrestle with rapid, consecutive and horrific visions of cruelty. As if we aren''t bad enough to each other.
First item came via fax from REP. SAM FARR. A longtime animal lover, Farr fought for elephant rights in 1999. He wanted to save the mammoths from having to perform humiliating "tricks" at circuses. As an Assemblyman and now as a Congressman, he''s sought to obliterate America''s "puppy mills," the notorious animal factories that produce ungood dogs.
Now Farr has taken aim at "canned hunts." For the uninitiated, it''s a scheme in which exotic animals like lions and antelope are imported to hill-country pens, only to be whacked sniper-style by pear-shaped car salesmen from Duluth.
Then came the second blow. It was a news bulletin from MONTEREY HIGH SCHOOL, where three geese were viciously slain this week. Authorities found two of the birds, mort, with bills and necks bound in tape. A third was discovered, dead and bobbing in the indoor pool, likewise taped and dropped through a broken skylight. Geese are ferocious snappers when cornered. This was not the work of a lone operator.
Farr cannot legislate to stop cruel bird-bashers. But Squid proposes an equally cruel response. Should the goose-haters be students, why not tape them up for a day of classes, maybe just with their elbows bound behind their backs. How does that feel? Let''s see, what else? Oh, yeah. How does goose for every meal, every day, for a week sound? Better yet, make them put on fluffy, hot and smelly goose suits, travel to every elementary school in the county and explain why it''s wrong to hurt animals. And for that matter, humans.
Give Squid a Goose: Squid@coastweekly.com