CUTTING EDGE...Prior to the security clampdown at the Presidio of Monterey, The Edge Club was one of Monterey''s underground hot spots for dancing and entertainment. Not only were there regular Goth nights at the military club, but there was regular DJ-spun music that was available to almost anybody who wandered in. The new security measures, of course, put an end to that. But now, it seems, the military brass is recognizing that soldiers will be soldiers (and sailors sailors and marines marines, etc.), which means that fraternizing with civilians is almost a necessity, and the policy for attending dances at The Edge has been slightly loosened.

The word on the street is that civilians will be admitted to dances at The Edge--if they are escorted by military personnel.

THE GOOD WAR...Remember all the movies that came out in WWII that showed heroic American GIs going off to fight the nefarious foes in Germany and Japan? Representative Henry Hyde (R-Ill.), chair of the House International Relations Committee, would like to see a return to those good old days. Earlier this week, Daily Variety reported that Hyde has complained about the "poisonous image" of America in foreign countries, and has sought the aid of the motion picture industry in changing that image. Committee aide Sam Stratman explained Hyde''s position to Variety, saying, "The world gets much of its impression of the United States from the movies. We know the power that compelling images can have in changing people''s attitudes."

MRS. CALIFORNIA NEEDS YOU...This plaintive plea just came in..."So far we have contestants from all over the state of California, but we do not have anyone representing your part of the state..." the cover letter, from Mrs. Diana J. McKinney, the state director for Mrs. California, United States, begins. It turns out that the whole Mrs. California (United States) pageant may be in jeopardy because there are no contestants from around here. Great Caesar''s ghost! What''s wrong with married women around here? Is there no one who covets the official city title, banner and tiara that come with being selected as the representative from her city? Is there no one who wishes to lead her town to greater fame in the state competition or even further, in the national competition? What wife in her right mind would eschew the opportunity to endure a private interview, then parade across the stage in her swimwear and evening gown while she''s judged like a prize heifer at auction? Yea, verily, it''s this lack of ambition that''s plunged this great nation into the dark bowels of an economic recession. Come on, let''s show a little pride! If you''re "at least 21 years of age, of good moral character and residing with [your] husband" you are eligible. And make no mistake, this is an almost equal-opportunity opportunity--the rules specifically state that competitors may be "a career woman, housewife, or a grandmother." (Divorcees, obviously, won''t make the cut, widows can fuhgeddaboudit, and so can married teens, regardless of circumstances, attributes or accomplishments. And God only knows who is eliminated by the organizers'' ''good moral character'' clause.) If you''re one of those eligible for participation, let''s get going! Pluck your eyebrows, rouge your cheeks, smear your lips with bright red grease! Get implants, liposuction and high-heeled shoes so tall they''ll cause chronic back problems for the rest of your life! It''s your turn to shine! Go ahead and send your snapshot and biography to Mrs. McKinney, 4118 Aldawood Hills, Akron, Ohio, 44319. Or maybe you could give her a call and let her know what you really think: 1-800-243-9190.

ANOTHER OPTION...Maybe you''re not a married babe in heels. No worries! You can still be a winner! All you have to do is send in your poetry--21 lines or less--to the Free Poetry Contest. You could be the winner of a $1,000 grand prize in addition to the thrill of seeing your poetry published by the Famous Poets Society. Think of the prestige you''ll receive if you win this ever growing contest. How, you ask, do we know it''s ever growing? Because, since February, Famous Poets has sent out notices of six separate contests, each one of which is "our big contest of the year," according to Executive Director Mark Schramm. To enter the big contest, check out www.famouspoets.com.

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