ONE-AND-A-HALF-SIDED STORY From where Squid sits it looks like the Herald is in cahoots with local land-use lawyers, developers, vintners and growers, and the Hospitality Association who want to hijack the County's General Plan process. Keep in mind that where Squid sits is usually under a bench in the Board of Supes Chambers-waiting for an engraved "Reserved For Squid" plate at the media table. But from under that wooden bench (Squid swears) Squid saw Herald reporters VICTORIA MANLEY and JILL DUMAN playing footsie with bigwig pro-development types. Their subsequent news articles on April 18 confirmed Squid''s suspicions.

Manley''s story ("Residents Take Issue With Monterey County''s Draft General Plan") quotes endless moans and whines abut the evil plan-it will force ranchers and farmers to sell their property and live off of goats and cardboard-with nary a Gary Patton quote in site. At least Duman''s piece ("Land-use lawyers fear bureaucracy," to which Squid says: "Duh!") throws a bone to general plan supporters-in the final two grafs. But Squid detracts style points for Duman''s tired "battle lines were drawn" lede and the unchallenged "[this plan] supersedes the state of California and the U.S. constitution," quote from Roger Moitoso, VP of Arroyo Seco Vineyards. Squid smells something flowing and it ain''t chardonnay.

COURT JESTER...Speaking of the Herald, maybe you read in Saturday''s PROFESSOR TORO column about how the daily''s Media Jackals beat the Weekly''s mighty Cephalopods at the PG Good Old Days Media Challenge basketball tourney-that part is (sad but) true. Clearly, the Jackals-notably sportswriter KENNY OTTMAR-played hoops in high school while Squid''s colleagues at the Weekly were wasting their time studying English and politics. And math-Prof. Toro listed the score at 93-14. Okay, ha-ha, Squid''s amused. The real score was something like 15-7 (Squid is obviously not bragging here). The Weekly did, it must be admitted, provoke Toro''s quip-a Cephalopod almost gave Jackals'' set-shot ace Royal Calkins a heart attack by telling him the final round was going to be played full-court instead of half.

NO NINNIES...Last Monday night Squid almost choked when normally straight-talkin'' water board member DAVE POTTER uttered the word "healing" in regard to water credit transfers. What?! thought Squid. Potter doing Ninnyspeak?

"Ninnyspeak" is Squid''s term for words and phrases that therapists, politicians or business people came up with but which, like the Ames strain of anthrax, got loose. Here are some examples: "celebrate" (as in "celebrate diversity"), "closure," "leverage," "stakeholder," "negatively impact," "sharing," "community." And, of course, "healing." Squid welcomes all additions to the annals of Ninnyspeak, so fire away, stakeholders.

HAIRY TALE...Squid stopped in last week to a hair salon which, discretion requires, will remain unnamed, and had an experience that would be aggravating if it weren''t so ridiculous. A clearly distracted cosmetologist (whose wall-mounted license was more ornate than Squid''s libel lawyer''s) completely ignored Squid''s simple request for a trim and instead gave Squid a whole new coif. Squid whined, and the hair-cutter produced what she called an "I''m sorry" card. It seems that Great Clips in Del Monte Center (oops) flubs so many cuts it keeps pre-printed apologies on hand. The card offers a $2 discount on another cut-exactly the same discount that satisfied customers receive after a visit.

Got ninny? squid@coastweekly.com