BUY IT AND THEY WILL COME… Squid's dream is to own a B&B with a name like Squidly's Cove, or Cephalopod's Garden, and maybe even a cottage winery, too. Imagine Squid''s delight flipping through the March 23 Herald and spotting the Las Palmas'' COREY HOUSE as the featured property on the cover of the Herald Real Estate Guide. It''s listed by JOHN SAAR PROPERTIES, which effuses: "being the gateway to South County wine country, it would be a natural for a bed & breakfast inn, or a vineyard corporate office and tasting room."

But wait. According to the county''s "Developing Wineries and Tasting Rooms in Monterey County" draft, tasting rooms are not allowed on properties that are zoned for residential use. Drat.

"I get the impression that the wine industry is determined to use the rural residential area of River Road as a stepping stone to get to the South County vineyards without holding public meetings and gathering public input," River Road watchdog DOUGLAS FAY warned Squid. "It''s like LAFCO voting to annex farm land in King City yesterday when we are in the middle of the General Plan process."

Pooh-pooh on the General Plan--Squid wants Squid''s wine, and wants to drink it, too. Maybe once newly elected Supe BUTCH LINDLEY takes office he can lend Squid a hand?

EDITH REALLY CARES…Jumping on the affordable housing bandwagon is very vogue right now, apparently even for a certain County Supervisor who''s better known for her love of expensive subdivisions, golf courses and wineries than her commitment to housing the county''s workforce. But that sounds catty, and pissy and all the other fun sentiments Squid gave up for Lent. So Squid''s not naming any names. Oh all right, she''s Supervisor EDITH JOHNSEN, who recently sent out a press release announcing that the HOUSING AUTHORITY of the County of Monterey is currently accepting applications for Section 8 vouchers--given to people with disabilities--and applications for low-rent conventional housing. And better yet, these applications can be picked up at Johnsen''s office in Marina.

So what''s the news? Had the Housing Authority stopped accepting applications for low-income housing?

Nope. They''ve been going strong since ''98. So strong, in fact, that there are more than 3,000 families and individuals who are on the waiting list. But the press release sure does make Ms. Johnsen sound good.

CRUISIN'' FOR A BRUISIN''…The news that three obese cruise ships will be anchoring in the Bay this year was its own item on the Monterey City Council agenda last Tuesday night. A crew of mutinous citizens rose to bemoan the boats while a welcome wagon of others showed up to tout the benefits of yet more bauble commerce.

One speaker had put some thought into the matter. He actually stood up in public and proposed that the city somehow stalk the cruiseships and scoop up whatever seaborne offal pours forth, haul it back to shore and pump it into the municipal sewer system.

Squid''s source says the city facilities manager, CARL ANDERSON, told the council that the city has nicely asked the cruise lines not to dump sewage in the Sanctuary, but that "we don''t have a response on that yet."

He was advised to return to the council in April with a cruise ship management plan after having meetings with Sanctuary officials, the Coast Guard and environmental groups. Either way, a vital news nugget surfaced at the meeting. According to a 1916 municipal law unearthed somewhere in the bowels of Colton Hall, the city cannot deny any ship from landing in Monterey.