There's something wrong with a town that can support a business like CLOSE WATCH CARMEL. Close Watch Carmel exists expressly to provide "Peace of Mind for Absent Homeowners" -in other words, take care of second homes while the plutocrats who own them "work hard" at their "jobs" or otherwise try to stave off ennui.

And what, exactly (besides worries about break-ins and vandalism), plagues the serene slumber of absentee homeowners? Fear of newspapers piled on porch? Fear of soured milk in the fridge? Fear of local teenagers in swimming pool?

Well, yes. And according to Close Watch Carmel''s Web site, fear of household mold, fear of dead battery in the golf cart, fear of UPS packages on the doorstep, fear of an unstocked bar, and, in extreme cases, fear of having to pay the bills yourself. Yes, Close Watch owner JON BLADES will do it all for the second home owner, even deal with the cable guy and write checks to PG&E.

Squid''s got an idea: how about let''s take the homeless people and let them housesit for the rich and doubly domiciled? It''s marrying one need to another. Everybody wins!

KILLING WITH THE KINDEST CUP... Regular readers may recall that several weeks ago Squid was, oh, maybe just a little bit snide about CORNER HOUSE CERAMICS'' plan to send the NEW YORK FIREFIGHTERS a bunch of COFFEE MUGS painted by CHILDREN. Squid criticized the move as ill-advised, reasoning that though the artwork of one''s own children typically seems brilliant, the artwork of other people''s kids often just looks weird and sometimes even faintly disturbing.

But owner LEILA EMADIN of Corner House shamed Squid-yes, shamed the mighty cephalopod!-by sending a beautiful glazed mug decorated with a starfish motif (the Weekly''s icon) and a sweet red heart in the bottom of the cup. Squid wiped a tear away upon receiving the gift. And won''t ever make fun of kids no more.

IN A BETTER WORLD...Remember the end of the movie Brazil, in which the captured rebel protagonist tunes out of a torture session involving dental instruments and blisses out to a fantasy of a better place? That''s exactly what Squid''s about to do, and for similar reasons. After last week''s election, the pain of the present is just too excruciating. What horrors could the next election bring, when this one had BILL SIMON and GRAY DAVIS running neck-and-neck for the first few hours of last Tuesday night? It''s too much...too...much...

It''s fall 2006. The bad news is ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER has parlayed his Prop 49-assisted Kindergarten Cop shtick into a legitimate GOP gubernatorial candidacy. The good news is the Democratic Party has finally pulled its head out of its, um, ass, and mounted a real candidate for governor: LEON PANETTA. The polls show Panetta leading by 15 points.

On the national scene, House Minority Leader NANCY PELOSI is now House Majority Leader. She''s turned the Democrats around; they actually have an agenda, for one thing, and it addresses health care, alternative energy and the needs of working families is an agenda shared by PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON. And California Democrats, angered over Sen. Dianne Feinstein''s yes vote on the war on Iraq, dumped her in the primary and put up FRED KEELEY instead.

The Salinas City Council is now referred to as "the brain trust," and seven women under 40, including three Latinas, now run Pacific Grove. Marina has turned down every big-box store that''s come its way, and Seaside''s Broad-way Avenue is a thriving pedestrian mall.

You may say Squid''s a dreamer, but Squid''s not the only one.

Don''t wake squid up: squid@coastweekly.com