This Mollusk has always harbored high hopes that the race for Monterey County sheriff will erupt into a full-blown, knock-em-down, shootout. It looks like Squid''s Wild West dream is coming true.

Earlier this week, sheriff wannabe LONNIE HEFFINGTON told the TV nightly news that little ''ole COAST WEEKLY was at the root of his paper wars against his opponent, MIKE KANALAKIS.

For those who missed it: Heffington, in a brave but bizarre move that generated much hoopla and plenty of head-scratching, recently released all of his private personnel records for inspection by reporters.

Heffington said he did this because Kanalakis had told a Weekly reporter that Heffington was not being honest.

Hmmm. Squid remembers hearing a different story around the water cooler.

So Squid slithered (the Weekly offices don''t make transportation easy on a mollusk) over to said reporter''s desk and demanded she set the record straight. Turns out that Kanalakis didn''t attack Heffington''s honesty. He questioned his accountability.

Here''s what Kanalakis said: "As Lonnie touts his many years of management experience and promotions to chief deputy under two sheriffs he also needs to be held accountable and explain why he was demoted by two Sheriffs, including the current one [Gordon Sonne], and why he was passed over for promotion to Captain by the current sheriff who is endorsing him."

Heffington had edged closer to calling Kanalakis dishonest than vice-versa.

"Certainly I would have liked to have [the Deputy Sheriff''s Association''s] endorsement, but I am a very straightforward person," Heffington told the Weekly. "I don''t make promises that I''m not sure I can keep."

SECRETARY OF STATEMENTS...Many thanks to California Secretary of State BILL JONES for resuscitating a pet project of Squid''s, the BILL JONES BUFFOONWATCH. The BJBW enjoyed its heyday back in 2001 and the early months of 2002, when Jones was vigorously campaigning for governor through his office via a blizzard of official faxes denouncing GOV. GRAY DAVIS''s handling of the energy crisis. Jones racked up major Buffoon points back in those days for two reasons: one, as if it''s the Secretary of State''s business; and two, he was essentially campaigning on government stationery using the labor of government employees, which is illegal.

But the BJBW, of course, is only as exciting as the buffoon is active, and ever since Mr. Jones ran yelping from the primary with 17 percent of the vote, the BJBW has been moribund. Depression or good sense, it seemed, had idled the Jones political machine. Until last week.

See, when Bill Jones sees a need, Bill Jones steps up to provide it. Friday he filed an amicus curiae brief (essentially a lawyer''s two cents'' worth) to the U.S. Supreme Court letting the justices know that Bill Jones finds the decision of the New Jersey Supreme Court-to let SEN. FRANK LAUTENBERG replace SEN. ROBERT TORRICELLI on the ballot even after the official deadline-"a perilous affront to the orderly conduct of elections."

Ah, the buffoon is back! Not only does Squid seriously doubt that REHNQUIST et al give a hoot what Jones thinks about this or anything else, but where was Jones'' outrage in November 2000? And furthermore, Squid has a stylistic quibble with Jones. The man had a perfect opportunity to use the word "pernicious," as in "a pernicious affront to the orderly conduct of elections and the bastardization of the innocent babe that suckles at the breast of our sweet Lady Liberty," and he did not take it. Somebody please-send that man back to Fresno, whence he came.

Send Squid a Thesaurus: squid@coastweekly.com