I''M MAD AS HELL...How come the FOOD CHANNEL isn''t on basic cable? For that matter, how come it isn''t automatically piped in to every television set in America. I''m not sure it''s even available on the elite cable package. I can''t stand not getting to see my man MOLTO MARIO (Batali) or MARY SUE MILLIKIN and Susan Fenninger or hack-turned-hero EMERIL LAGASSE. BOBBY FLAY, the golf-loving chef, MING TSAI, the soft-spoken intellectual and who knows who else I''ve been missing. Come on AT&T, get with it.

There''s so much bullspam on television, and that''s not counting those insidious infomercials that networks flood the schedule with as an easy and cheap way to generate income (the person who thought them up--especially the name--should have bad things done to him/her). The FCC should be ashamed of itself for allowing the degeneration of human minds, spirits and wallets with that inane drivel. Is there actually anyone watching who believes the "host" when they "welcome guests to the show." What show? It''s a commercial! What''s the point of us paying for cable when most of what is aired is contrived? At least give us the Food Network. And the GOLF CHANNEL.

TWO-WHEELED BANDIT...Speaking of contrived. Have you read about the dirtbag from Oakland who sued 143 wineries around the state, including a few here in Monterey County, for alleged violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act. This ONE-LEGGED PIRATE carpet-bombed the unsuspecting wineries with suits claiming non-compliance. In most cases, he never even set foot in the targeted location.

Instead of attempting to communicate with the "offenders" (like all these wineries didn''t pass stringent state requirements before they were allowed to open)--which is what someone with the disabled community''s best interest in mind would do--this shakedown artist is just backing small businesses into a corner, knowing they''ll pony up to keep this predator off their backs. GEORGE LOUIE, former convict, must have learned about these techniques in the slammer.

What is wrong with the judges who are allowing this to occur? It''s too much to expect the lawyer who''s filing these suits to have any integrity, but why can''t a decent judge throw these Bozos out of court? The only difference between this group and the mob is the mob has to get dirty to enforce the shakedown. Louie and his squad use the American court system as their goons. Call me kooky, but something seems very, very wrong here.

STRAIGHT POOP...While I''m spitting vinegar: is it irony that the cruise ship came to Monterey Bay just days after the PACIFIC GROVE TRIATHLON almost had to be cancelled because of--you guessed it--sewage spilled from its sewers to the bay? Athletes from everywhere who were in town to compete were disgusted.

Think about how it makes our area look to tourists when word gets around (and it will get around) and think about how these swimmers must have felt, worrying about marinating in raw sewage. How thrilled were they knowing they were eating Monterey Bay fresh fish in our restaurants.

There''s got to be a way to get the funding to fix the sewers--the Bay''s a national sanctuary for God''s sake. Come on PG, and the rest of the Monterey Bay communities, get on it now.

TABLE QUEEN...On a lighter note (and what wouldn''t be a lighter note) CAROL KNOX, a server for FISHWIFE AT ASILOMAR in PG, was named the California Restaurant Association''s Foodservice Employee of the Year (I''d hate to have to engrave all that on the trophy). Carol was chosen ahead of dozens of others in the front-of-the-house category.

MARIE PERUCCA-RAMIREZ, owner of Fishwife, says that Carol "truly represents the essence of hospitality, which is defined as the cordial and generous reception of guests." At the recent WESTERN FOODSERVICE & HOSPITALITY EXPO in San Francisco, Ms. Knox received a $1,000 check as reward for being selected Employee of the Year.

Right on Carol Knox.

An honor like that could never have happened had Carol''s employer, the supremely caring and thoughtful Perucca-Ramirez not taken the steps to become aware that the award exists, then investigate the requirements and finally, follow through with the submission process.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, RIGHT? I remember a bartending gig I had at the then-newly-created House of Blues, in Harvard Square, in Cambridge, Mass. They used to give out an employee-of-the-month award in each department. There were fourteen bartenders on staff and after about sixteen months had elapsed, I began to wonder how it was that I had never been selected bartender of the month. They were giving people seconds rather than choose me.

See ya next time.