Photo: No. 8 "Most Wanted"

THE RIGHT ARMED BEAR...Murderers and kidnappers and bears, oh my! Squid caught quite a fright the other morning, scrolling through the County's 10 Most Wanted list on the Monterey County Sheriff's Web site (http://www.co.monterey.ca.us/sheriff/mcso/wanted8.htm). Cigarette in one tentacle, cup o' joe in another, cell phone in a third, computer mouse in...oh, you get the picture. So, mouse in tentacle, Squid clicked on a shiny blue "Wanted Fugitives" button and stumbled upon--the horror!--a "unique wood carved bear." Eeek! Judging from the online picture, this bear's about four feet tall, 120 pounds and was last seen wearing boxer shorts and Ugg boots. He's carrying a big stick--or is it a fishing pole? "If you know of information of the location of this artifact call the Office of the Sheriff," the Web page reads. "Call 9-1-1. Do not attempt to approach suspect. May be armed and dangerous!" Yes, Squid thinks, it's much better to be safe than sorry. Especially when it comes to wooden bears. But one nagging question remains at the back of Squid's pointy little head. True, Squid's a little fuzzy on the Bill of Rights--apparently so is US Attorney General John Ashcroft, so maybe it's nothing to be ashamed of--but isn't there some sort of constitutional protection for the right to keep and arm bears?

YOU CAN'T BEAT A DEAD HORSE...According to a new poll by satirist Andy Borowitz's BorowitzReport.com, the late Seabiscuit, a world-renowned racehorse who is running as a Democrat, would beat Arnold Schwarzenegger by a 64 percent to 32 percent margin. The remaining 4 percent favor a write-in candidacy for Nemo, the fish from Finding Nemo fame. Which got Squid to thinking...why not write in Squid for Governor? Who better to head the Golden State than a cold-blooded mollusk? In Squid's humble opinion, Squid would fit right in with all the slimy creatures in the state's capital. Squid admits, Squid's got a tough road ahead. Kinda like swimming upstream. The Seabiscuit camp is already a length and a half ahead of this cephalopod. According to Squid's sources, (close to the horse's mouth, so to speak), Seabiscuit fans put up quite a cheer over the weekend during the John Doe performance at the Henry Miller Library. So Seabiscuit's big in Big Sur. Who knew? Squid's campaign isn't dead in the water yet. Hey, speaking of catchy campaign slogans, that's not bad. Or maybe this one. "Squid for Gov: New Ink in Sacramento."