Squid Fry for Jan 30, 2003
Thursday, January 30, 2003
With the culmination of the Department of Fish and Game''s Operation Ursus III, 11 people were arrested last week, including a 69-year-old LODIS LEE WILLIAMS of Greenfield. Described as a "longtime houndsman," Williams has been charged with a variety of poaching-related offenses, including cruelty to animals and felony conspiracy. Allegedly three separate poaching "networks" had been humming along with Williams somewhere at the top. "He''s one of the bigger players," says a DFG spokesman. If not the Mr. Big of the local poaching community, he''s alleged to have racked up quite a kill rate. Using his hounds, Williams is said by investigators to have chased hundreds bears through the woods, eventually trapping the doomed bruins in trees, where they were gunned off the branches. Bear paws and gall bladders are coveted for certain Asian medicines. Investigators say they did find bear parts. A conviction on the felony conspiracy charge could stick Williams in the joint for three years. If all 11 alleged poachers are convicted, Squid proposes taking them for a pre-prison jaunt through the woods, complete with hounds and guns. Let''s see how well they can climb trees with a pack of snarling, loco, hunting dogs snapping at their giblets. Would that be cruel?
GET A JOB
Squid was flipping through the classifieds the other day-not that Squid is looking elsewhere for employment. Squid loves Squid''s cushy gig at the Weekly. Spew ink. Stick it to The Man. Cash a big, fat paycheck. Go to the bar and spend it all in one place on beer and deep-fried krill. But if Squid were looking for a career change, Squid can''t think of anyplace Squid would rather be than the CARMEL POLICE DEPARTMENT. What cephalopod wouldn''t want to work in a town where, in the last 14 years, the only time an officer has drawn a weapon it was to shoot at a raccoon. Don''t worry about the raccoon. The cop missed.
So Squid was happy to see that the Carmel PD has changed its help-wanted ad. The officers are no longer only recruiting retired security officers to do police work (as was the case until a week ago). Now the ad simply says: "accepting applications." Good. Squid can do the job as well as any retired rent-a-cop. And Squid looks slick in a windbreaker, to boot.
WHO''S YOUR DADDY
Papa Squid always had a nasty temper. He laid down the law in the Squid household. Squid must admit, Squid was a bit of a wild cephalopod back in the day, and the phrase "Wait ''till your father comes home, young mollusk," was heard all too often coming from Mamma Squid''s beak. Indeed, nothing could strike the fear of God into Squid''s little black heart that the though of a paddling from Papa''s 30-foot tentacles. Ouch!
Veteran French yachtsman OLIVER DE KERSAUSON knows what Squid''s talking about. He was taking part in the JULES VERNE round-the-world sailing race when a giant squid-Daddy!-attacked his boat.
Another crewmember who spotted the giant squid through a porthole told the Sydney Morning Herald, "the tentacles were as think as my arm wearing an oil-skin, and I immediately thought of all the damage it could do." Squid knows all about the damage those tentacles could do-to Squid''s bare backside.
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