AND THEY'RE OFF... It's official. Pay-to-play Gov. Gray Davis beat at his own game. He spent his wad to get former L.A. Mayor Richard Riordin out of the running in the March 2002 primary, and now Daryl Issa's millions have bought Republicans a recall vote on Oct. 7. Unfortunately for Issa, he's about as likely to win the governorship as Arnold Schwarzenegger is to be elected president.

Squid cackles an evil cackle but then thinks about the money involved--upwards of $35 million to hold a recall election. Yikes! Lucky for Squid (and county coffers) Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante set the recall vote for, the same day that Monterey County voters will decide whether or not they want a half-cent sales tax to bail out Natividad in an all-mail, countywide election.

To save the county between $150,00 and $200,000, voter registrar Tony Anchundo says he'll ask the Supes to combine the sales tax measure and the recall vote on the mail-in ballot. "Let's be prudent and kind and light on the budget," he told Squid. (Tony obviously doesn't know Squid well. Squid is neither prudent nor kind.)

Turns out Monterey County is the only county in Cali that has the authority to do all mail-in ballots. Now if Squid were the Monterey County registrar of voters, and Squid knew that Squid's fellow registrars across the state were going to be busting their behinds in the next two months to set up polling places, hire poll workers and the like, Squid would kick back with a few margaritas and ridicule Squid's colleagues in other counties every chance Squid got.

"I'm kinda sorta already doing that," Anchundo admits (the ridiculing, that is; not the margarita drinking). "I've got my thumb on my nose, saying, nyah-nyah. I don't need to rub it in--although I will every chance I get."

SPEED RACER... Last week, a rather pesky relative of Squid's kicked the bucket, leaving Squid with a wad of greenbacks.

Hmmm...a new Squidmobile, perhaps?

Last Friday night, long after the predatory salespeople had slithered home, Squid trekked out to the Salinas Auto Center, turning gleefully onto Salinas Auto Circle only to be greeted by barricades and a barking security guard. "You have 20 minutes! The street closes at 10!"

Squid brought a tentacle up to salute the guard and sped through, but was confused.

Squid specifically recalled bigwig land lawyer Tony Lombardo requesting the city council to make the street public years ago.

"No! It's private!" mall manager Claude Barnett said. Squid's mind wandered back to the cute guard and the salacious possibilities if Squid was stopped. Barnett halted the fantasy.

"It's subjective. Depending on what you look like, you won't be stopped." Squid stole a glance in the mirror. Yep, sexy. Guard-bait, for sure.

If it's a private street, Squid wondered aloud to Barnett, then it's okay for Squid to drag race there?

"No! Well, I mean, I guess you could, but why would you want to?" Speed-shopping, of course.