DINGOS ATE MY BABY..."What do chefs do when they get together?" a reader asked Chef, restaurauteur, television personality and Herald columnist John Pisto last week. Pisto's answer: They eat Squid's siblings. Yup, Squid's whole fam was recently in Monterey for a reunion. Squid planned the menu--calamari, of course. Go ahead, call Squid a moral relativist, and don't worry: we only eat the little cephalopods. But when it came time to dine, Squid was the only living mollusk in the kitchen. At first Squid panicked. Had Squid cooked Squid's own family members? Turns out those fried Squid legs belonged to a cousin, but Squidley and Squidette never did show up for dinner.

A few days later, while reading Pisto's column, Squid realized their fate. "Monterey calamari was what [Pisto's chef friends] wanted so it was off to Abalonetti," Pisto writes. Squid wiped away a salty tear. Chefs ate Squid's siblings! Pisto continued with a plan some will find gruesome: "In the spirit of Mac and the Boys, bring in 10 genuine Cannery Row frogs for a complimentary cocktail at either Blue Moon or The Station." But Squid wonders, do they have to be Cannery Row frogs or would those red-legged ones down around the Carmel River work?

OH BEAUTIFUL...As a wee child, young Squid used to whip Squid's brothers and sisters with sturdy stalks of Pampas Grass, and in the 1970s, Squid's own editor used to complain about the local groovies who tied the feathery plumes to the antennae of their Datsun B-210s. But most of us--well some of us--grow up and realize the error of our ways, and in the case of Pampas Grass, any partly-educated wanna-be environmentalist recog- nizes it as an invasive, non-native weed. Not so Publishers Choice [sic], which, in this week's Parade Magazine advertises "the king of ornamental grasses" as easy to grow, and "an elegant landscape accent" that "adds grace, texture and height." You, too, can wreak havoc in your own back yard. The ad points out that the plants are "practically trouble-free, with no need to spray for insects and they grow in most any soil." Yep, a landscape of Pampas Grass would ensure that little else could grow, but who needs pesky flora and fauna when you've got 10-foot waves of fluffy weeds?

GEM OF AN EXCUSE...Last Saturday, Squid thought it would be nice to take Squid's hungry offspring mini-mollusks to Turtle Bay Taqueria. Smiling beatifically at his own child at the next table, was Corey Brown, the soon-to-be-former executive director of the Big Sur Land Trust. Just the day before, the conservation group had sent out a press release informing the public that Brown's tenure will be "drawing to a close." The suspect reason given: "... I am looking forward to now spending more time with my family." Now, Squid recoils from such statements, especially since Squid knows that work--even if it means protecting over 10,000 acres of land in Monterey County--is way easier than spending time with family. Whenever anyone gives the time-with-family excuse, Squid's eyes harden in a search for office intrigue or worse. Of course, it's hard to know what this guy really thinks, since Brown speaks in platitudes like "this land is the most sparkling gem in a string of diamonds that circles the Peninsula," or something to that effect.

But maybe Squid's BS sensor was wrong in this case. Brown's office, after all, is a veritable shrine to his now one-year-old daughter. Brown is one of those parents who seem to believe that he is the first person to have a child and understand its wonder. Perhaps Squid's cynicism isn't warranted, and Brown's implausible excuse for resigning is legit.

--Send Squid a baby photo: squid@coastweekly.com