FLY ME TO THE MOON...Squid's sick and tired of trying to buy property in Monterey County. Fort Ord looked good to a working-class cephalopod--until KB Home construction company decided high-$400,000s to mid-$500,000s is "affordable" to the mollusks who actually live and work here on the Central Coast. So Squid's moving. To the Moon. Yup, you read that right. And no, Moon is not some obscure town in the Iowa you've just never heard of. An email, asking "Want in on the ground floor?" proved a Godsend to Squid. "You can get an acre of land on the Moon for only $29.99!" According to LunarLandRush.com, "your lunar real estate agency," about 250 "very well-known celebrities" and two former US presidents are extraterrestrial property owners. "This includes approximately 15 main actors from the original Star Trek series, as well as the Next Generation and Voyager series," the press release reads. Oooh, Squid hopes Squid's next-door neighbor is Capt. Picard. "In addition," it continues, "30 past and present members of NASA own property on the Moon.

"In October 2003, the Trailblazer, a TransOrbital mission to the Moon, will deposit the names of the property holders listed in the database on the actual lunar surface. This is included at no additional cost, but you must complete and send in your registration card (included). Your name could be on the lunar surface for millennia!"

Squid is so there.

¿TIENEN LICUADOS? Yes, anything--even plain old milk--can sound like fun with a catchy marketing phrase attached. Remember "Got Milk?" Those clever slogan writers at the California Milk Processor Board are back, with a new ad campaign to boot. "Licuados are fresh, delicious and spreading beyond the Latino community," says CMPB executive director Jeff Manning. Hmm. Squid wonders how much time and thought some sorry flak put into writing this press release. But back to the beverage at hand: CMPB hopes to, well, blend milk's newfound popularity into a popular Latin American drink, licuado. (For the gringos tontos, it's pronounced lee-kwa-doh, and is a blended beverage made with cold milk, fresh fruit and ice.) Squid thinks it's not a bad idea considering licuados are tons more fun than plain old milk. To kick-off "Got Licuados?", the CMPB's conducting a statewide search for the best licuados in the state. The winner will appear in the first official California Licuado Guide later this summer. Squid knows there are some licuados sabrosos in Monterey County. Enter online at www.gotmilk.com. Yum.

WORDS FAIL SQUID...According to the annual report from Monterey Salinas Transit, a bus driver is not a bus driver. A bus driver is a "coach operator." Wow. There's really not much more Squid can say. Squid could make a funny joke about coaches--does anybody drive coaches these days?--but the annual report becomes even more funny when left to speak for itself. Plus, Squid has a shopping date for Burberry SARS masks.