Thursday, April 21, 2005
GAME ON… Squid loves spring: the warm(er) temperatures, the longer days, the blossoming trees, the ants…And speaking of ants, a whole other species of critters seems to be swarming of late. Yup, Squid’s talking about politicians. Spring arrives and all types of would-be elected officials crawl out of the woodwork.
Late last week state Sen. Abel Maldonado (R-Santa Maria) confirmed he is considering a run for state insurance commissioner in 2006. Maldonado, whose 15th District includes Monterey County, ran and won against Democrat Peg Pinard, and was elected to the state Senate in November.
(Squid’s note to Pinard: If Maldonado runs for the post of insurance commissioner, wins, and forces a special election, and if you decide to give it another go-round, please, please, please lose the banjo in your television ads.)
Also late last week, state Controller Steve Westly, a Democrat, announced that he is forming an exploratory committee to run for governor in 2006. He joins two other Dems who have said they will challenge Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger—state Treasurer Phil Angelides and Attorney General Bill Lockyer.
Now these candidates are all well and good, but, personally, Squid prefers the crazies: the types who fax in hand-written press releases announcing their candidacy with campaign promises along the lines of “I will only watch movies made in California.” (Squid’s not making this up.)
Recently, Squid’s been on the receiving end of several such faxes, sent by Michael Eagles, who describes himself as a “Republican candidate for California,” and “one of America’s finest hardworking Christian men in America.”
To be fair, the lettering on this page of the fax is typed. But the “e” in “men” is handwritten, and, at the bottom of the cover page, where Eagles types “Ronald Reagan is our favorite governor and president, One for the Gipper,” he also hand-writes the “the” between “for” and “Gipper.”
Eagles’ “political issues” page is difficult for Squid to read. Squid’s not sure if that’s because of the messy handwriting or Eagles’ political issue number nine, “Talk to Bill gates (sic) for financial aid for California.”
Terri Schiavo is another one of Eagles’ so-called political issues. Eagles also says he is “for a women (sic) president of the USA,” and “anti drug (steroid), alcohol abuse, rape [and] pedophiles.”
But—lucky for the international community—Eagles isn’t limiting his potential sphere of influence by only running for governor of California. He apparently has his sights set on a higher office.
According to the third page of Eagles’ fax, he has “decided to run for Pope.”
“My first issue it to allow priests to get married if they want to,” he writes.
Um, yeah. Squid sure hopes Eagles isn’t holding his breath, waiting for the white smoke.