SQUID’S GOT BUNS…Is it just Squid, or is there a smell of rotting weenies in the air? Sniff. Sniff. Yep, definitely rotting weenies. Wait, now Squid remembers—it’s because the MONTEREY COUNTY SUPERIOR COURT recently banned a hot dog vendor from parking his cart on the property, citing some 1936 act that gives the courthouse’s second-floor snack bar owner, RANDY HENSON, the exclusive right to sell food there.

Well, that’d be fine and dandy except entrepreneurial Henson made a side deal with the hotdog vendor, CRAIG PAKISH, which gives Henson a cut of Pakish’s proceeds.

Pakish is a deputy sheriff who’s on medical leave with the County. Apparently he felt well enough to venture into the weenie business.

Insiders say it was JUDGE ALBERT MALDONADO who started the dog ban. One tipster tells Squid, “Al thought the stand detracted from the dignity of the court—as if some crazy ass [judge] doesn’t have the same effect.”

It’s fascinating to Squid what people will get ruffled over. But Squid supposes that listening to judges droning on all day would make it easy to daydream, lusting for warm weenies, soft buns and a few condiments.

Take DEPUTY DISTRICT ATTORNEY GARY THELANDER, for instance, who was apparently a regular at the cart. “Al banned the hot dog cart just as Thelander had garnered enough purchases to get his 10th one free,” the tipster complains.

Pakish is said to be considering—what else?—legal action. Squid’s bringing popcorn.

PARTY PLANNING PROPS…Squid doesn’t want to get too species-centric but hey, Squid and Squid’s cephalopod cousins know how to party. Squid hears bonobo monkeys know how to get down, and sure, Squid’s seen some dolphins have a good time, but they really can’t hold a candle.

Case in point: Some of Squid’s most able bipedal pals are getting in on the good times with THE OCTOPUS NEWS MAGAZINE ONLINE (TONMO) convention this weekend. They’ve borrowed some of Squid’s key ingredients for a successful soiree: groupies, porn and VIP appearances. Their summit, which splits time between the MONTEREY BAY AQUARIUM RESEARCH INSTITUTE, the MONTEREY CONFERENCE CENTER and the AQUARIUM this weekend, peaks with a session on August 6 on how to get more octopi in one’s life. Experts like Dr. WILLIAM GILLY of HOPKINS MARINE STATION and Dr. LOU ZIEDBEG pull in the groupies. Others share tips on how to raise Squid’s cousins in camouflage, the ever-cute CUTTLEFISH, in saltwater tanks.

Additionally, organizers will roll cuttlefish husbandry tapes set to the porn industry’s best soundtracks. With eight arms and two feeding tentacles per aquatic sexpot—did Squid mention they can change color and texture—it could get a little too steamy for the simian set.

Then the ultimate VIP appearance—and proof that Squid and Co. enjoy ridiculous pull—a god will be in the building. CHTHULU, the malevolent, tentacle-club-waving, talented and charming SQUID-GOD, works the room. New groupies visit www.tonmo.com.

SEND SQUID A STEAMY TIP: SQUID@MCWEEKLY.COM