DIRTY INK…Sometimes not even Squid can believe the stuff humans spurt. Admittedly, Squid’s the sort of mollusk who often ends up in random conversations with complete strangers. But really now.

Take Brian the Telemarketer, for example, a young lad who called Squid at home last Thursday night. Brian had quite the deal for Squid: If Squid would buy a subscription to the Salinas Californian, Brian would give Squid a dollar discount per month(!) and, if Squid signed up for EZ Pay, Brian would throw in a $10 gas card. For free.

While Squid pondered the deal, Brian ran down his bio: single, in college, can’t decide between a future in Web design or culinary arts, but passing the time working in the Gannett Boise, Idaho phone bank. But, Brian explained, he’d definitely get out of selling soggy Californian editions over the phone.

“People can be so rude,” he explained. While Squid tried to imagine someone being rude to a telemarketer, Brian added “I could tell you hours of stories, but they’re probably inappropriate. Unless you’re not easily offended.”

Squid bit.

Brian explained that he’d called one guy who told him he didn’t have time to listen to his sales pitch. “So I asked him, ‘Can you just give me one minute?’ And he’s all, ‘No, I’m busy shaving my wife’s nipples.’”  

While Squid secretly wanted to know how quickly an entire phone bank room goes silent when a salesman says those words to a customer, Squid also felt confused. Was Squid being sexually harassed? Was Brian really serial forced-phone-sexer Bill O’Reilly? Should Squid coo back, “Yes, baby, that’s it…shave ‘em.”

“My boss just told me I should change the subject,” Brian finally said over the silence. Squid almost applauded. Yes, good call on the supervisor’s part, moving the employee out of liability and into productivity.

 “But just one more,” Brian whispered out of earshot of the woman he called Stephanie, his boss. Squid cringed but got closer to the phone anyway. Brian explained that another time, he called a guy who was quite irate. “But you read the paper, right?” Brian asked. “No, I don’t read your paper,” Brian retold of the conversation, “I use it to wipe my ass.”

While Squid thought there certainly must be more creative ways to use the Californian, Brian was thinking other things. “I was thinking, ‘Wow, his butt must be really black from all of that ink.’”

Ah, the ink. Squid knows a thing or two about that. Namely, it’s definitely better to give than to receive.

DUMB HUMANS…It’s a likely story. Idiot, errr, victim receives an email saying he won the Legarse of Elgordo Sweepstakes. Victim responds to the email, gets a check in the mail, is told to cash the check and send the money to London to pay “processing fees.” Kindly banker tells victim that it’s a scam, and had he cashed the check, he would have been out $6,800. This prompts the Monterey County Sheriff’s office to issue the following Scam Alert: “Do not cash checks and send the money to other countries.” Send it directly to Squid.

INK SQUID: SQUID@MCWEEKLY.COM