Thursday, February 24, 2005
ONE SQUID’S TRASH…It’s been a tough couple of weeks. It’s a Lent thing. Squid gave up one of Squid’s most treasured pastimes. No, not spreading good ink—Squid’s not up for Sainthood. Yet. Squid gave up spending fluff funds. Yup, that’s right. For the next few weeks before Easter, there’ll be no tentacures, no rare antique quills, no slip-proof couch covers. Nada. Zip. Phrrrt. No money on any excess.
It was all very holy until last weekend when Squid stumbled onto some undiscovered shopping centers in North Monterey County.
Take Old Stage Road just north of Salinas near the Crazy Horse Landfill, for instance. Smack dab in between two “No Dumping” signs, ones that warn of $1,000 penalties and covert surveillance, there’s loads and loads of stuff. Big stuff. Little stuff. Car seats and clothes. Tools. Lawn equipment. Boxes and boxes of stuff. For f-r-e-e.
Squid was going to stop and pilfer, but worried briefly about the whole “under surveillance” part. So Squid kept driving, up onto San Juan Grade Road. Lo and behold, there was even more free shopping. A purple sofa. So it was ripped and filthy. Big deal. Free is free. And a washing machine. Kenmore even. A little further up, two tables! What’s a missing leg or two, really?
But before Squid went into redecorating, Squid decided to call someone who could offer advice on the proper collection methods of all that other-people stuff.
That’s when Squid met up with Steve Johnson over at the Salinas Valley Solid Waste Authority. Seems Johnson and a group of other head honcho waste folks have formed an entire committee to address all that free stuff near the Crazy Horse Landfill.
“The illegal dumping on those two roads is why the committee was formed to begin with,” Johnson told Squid. “It’s societal disregard, is what it is,” Johnson added a bit disgustedly.
Oh, sure, that’s easy to say for a guy who probably didn’t give up spending for Lent. But a creative mollusk with a gallon of disinfectant could furnish a whole house with all of that stuff, Squid explained. “Yeah, right,” Johnson scoffed.
Squid sniffed around Squid’s workspace. Squid stank from just thinking about the trash. Eh, Johnson was probably right. And Squid can use all that disinfectant for other things, like dating.
Donations. Maybe Squid could take donations to get around the whole Lenten sacrifice thing.
CEPHAL-IPOD…Once this 40-days, 40-nights thing has passed, and Squid can spend freely again, the first thing on Squid’s shopping list is the Cephal-iPod, http://store.muledesign.com/detail/cephalipod.html. “Your iPod’s glaring whiteness is relaying signals back to the humans. Protect yourself from harmful rays in style with this hand-crafted hip cozy made of (possibly) organic felt.” And then there’s the Welcome Squid Overlords T-shirt, http://store.muledesign.com/detail/squid_w.html. “The cephalopod biomass is now greater than the human biomass. We don’t know how many there are or how big they get. We are NOT ready. Play it smart.” Couldn’t have said it better Squidself.
SEND SQUID A FISH STICK: SQUID@MCWEEKLY.COM