CITY OF THE PAST…Monterey gets all the love. Squid’s been hanging out in the waters near Marina lately, but Squid’s about to swim south to Monterey, just for the bragging rights alone. And to laugh at all the funny-looking tourists who are sure to start heading this way.

Last week, First Lady Laura Bush designated the city as one of the nation’s newest “Preserve America” communities—part of a White House program to “encourage and support community efforts for the preservation and enjoyment of America’s priceless cultural natural heritage.” Mayor Dan Albert received a certificate of designation signed by Mrs. Bush.

“Preserve America communities demonstrate that they are committed to preserving America’s heritage while ensuring a future filled with opportunities for learning and enjoyment,” Laura Bush said, according to a city of Monterey press release. “I commend you for your commitment to preserving an important part of our Nation’s historic past for visitors, neighbors, and, most importantly, for children.” Awwww. But the real benefit is the “appropriate use” of the Preserve America logo on signs and marketing material. Hmmm, Squid wonders, what exactly constitutes appropriate use? How about a Bat Man-esque light that projects the logo out onto the Bay? Sounds good to Squid. Oh, yeah, and now the city’s eligible to apply for up to $250,000 in grant funds to preserve historic resources, promote tourism, and other economic revitalization projects. One more feather in King Dan’s crown. And still no word as to whether or not the literacy-loving First Lady had any words of wisdom for that other city in Monterey County, you know, the one down Highway 68 that’s closing its libraries and the like.

NEXT STOP: HOLLYWOOD…Speaking of reasons to visit Monterey, if this one doesn’t top the list, Squid really doesn’t know what does. On Monday, the reality show “Dr. 90210,” which follows plastic surgeons in their practice (boob jobs through the navel! Tummy tucks! Face lifts!) and in their everyday life—yawn—will feature the Fish Hopper. Dr. Nip-Tuck, er, Dr. 90210 dined at the Cannery Row restaurant on vacation, with his wife and two kids.

Sadly, no one got married on the spot, or had to lie in a coffin swimming with dead Sea Bass, or choose her daddy out of a lineup of 20 middle-aged men. What is reality TV coming to?

BEWARE OF CRAZIES…He’s baaaack. The same wacko who led the (successful) fight to put ex-Gov. Gray Davis’ recall on the ballot has now begun collecting petition signatures to restrict sex-education in public schools. Tony Andrade, who has said that he’s afraid “homosexuals are using high schools as a recruiting ground,” aims to ban sex ed in kindergarten through sixth grade and requires daily parental permission slips for junior high and high schoolers. And then he likens homosexuality to bestiality, pedophilia and necrophilia. Squid’s gotta go. Someone’s knocking on Squid’s door. Probably those cute recruiters again…

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