SQUID HEARTS BABIES… Squid wears leather. And fur. And once in a while Squid likes to snack on a fellow cephalopod. But Squid does draw the line on animal testing. Bunnies and baby monkeys are cute and Squid doesn’t want them to be unnecessarily harmed in the making of Squid’s bathroom cleaner or mascara. Here’s an idea: Test on babies instead.

Oops. Presidents GEORGE W. BUSH and company already thought of that one. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if that rascally Sen. BARBARA BOXER hadn’t thwarted the plan.

Late last week, the US SENATE unanimously passed its version of the Interior Appropriations bill, which includes an amendment to block human testing of pesticides. Boxer authored the amendment in response to a leaked Bush Administration proposal that would allow a variety of human testing.

Back in April, to avoid a hold on his confirmation, STEPHEN JOHNSON, the new US ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY administrator, reluctantly cancelled a study partially financed by the EPA called CHEERS, CHILDREN’S ENVIRONMENTAL EXPOSURE RESEARCH STUDY. The study would have paid Florida parents to apply pesticides and other chemicals in the rooms primarily occupied by infants. (Squid can hear that conversation now: “Yes, we were going to poison you, but only to pay for your education, honest!”)

During his confirmation, Johnson disclosed that the EPA is also conducting more than 250 other human experiments, several of which involve chemical testing on children.

Yeah, well, maybe it’s just because kids aren’t as cute as kitties.

SQUID HATES PYROS… Like most Americans, Squid loves to blow stuff up and watch stuff burn—but hates RECKLESS LOSERS who don’t know how to blow stuff up and burn stuff responsibly. That’s why Squid felt a mix of emotions Saturday night when, on the way back to the harbor from downtown Monterey, Squid espied flames shooting 15 feet in the air near the corner of Franklin and Van Buren. Feigning helpfulness, Squid slid up the street to check out the show, and found a pine hedge ablaze. As there were no uniforms in the vicinity, Squid was forced to consider an act of neighborly goodwill, and spent a few heated seconds searching in vain for a garden hose. Thankfully, a firetruck and two police cruisers showed up (whew), and then a hook-and-ladder, and a rescue vehicle. And more cop cars. Squid counted 13 municipal vehicles in all. A neighbor explained (at length) that he’d heard fireworks just before the inferno erupted. Case closed.

CASH FOR GARBAGE… Squid’s going to think twice about dumping old tires and soiled baby clothes on county backroads from now on. Word’s out that COUNTY OFFICIALS may go ballistic on litterbugs with proposed fines in the five-figures region. As part of a plan to cut back on illegal dumping and littering, county officials are apparently working on an ordinance  that would levy fines of up to $10,000 for first time offenders and $20,000 for second time offenders. Squid’s just going let all his trash and weird crap pile up in the front yard.