OOZE AND AHH… Squid’s not too proud to say it: Squid’s a fainter. Not for wuss things, like spiders and baby spit-up. But for real things, like maggots and oozing wounds. Blech. Squid’s getting the heebee-jeebies just thinking about them.

But Squid’s pinpointed the root cause. As a wee mollusk sick with the flu, Squid’s sitter decided to tackle a toe infection. The discount childcare provider filled a pink plastic hospital foot tub with warm salt water, and removed her toenail. Blood colored the water, and pphrrrt. Other kids oohed and ahhhed. Squid was out cold on the floor.

Squid was almost done with therapy when word of recent widespread food poisoning at the MONTEREY COUNTY JAIL buzzed in Squid’s ear. While the spin doctors tried to figure out which rancid kitchen item made nearly 100 inmates sick last month, others pointed their fingers at “HOMEMADE TAMALES.”

Squid had to stop and think. Homemade tamales in jail? Crime does pay! Then Squid asked an insider and got the scoop.

While the jail acknowledged later that their own grub made the, eh-ehm, guests sick, the homemade tamales were suspect for one reason: the method of preparation.

Apparently the prisoners use their leftovers for filling, and crush up bread and crackers to make masa.

Not bad in the ingenuity department, Squid thought.

Then the Squidformant got gross. “They use their FOOTBATHS as bowls to make the masa,” he said. The cop went on to explain that not everyone gets footbaths. No, no, those are special footbaths given to jail patrons with infections.

Let’s see. Inmates soak their infected feet in bowls, pour in some chemicals to treat the foul little nubs, then when they’re done they empty out the bowls and use them to make tamales?

Pphhrrrt. Squid’s going out for the count again. And then right back to therapy.

HOW ABOUT ROBBIE… Speaking of County law enforcement, Squid’s got to hand it to Sheriff MIKE KANALAKIS, a consummate politician who knows an opportunity to bask in the warm glow of television and print media outlets when he sees it—and isn’t afraid to reach out and grab it.

Like the NAME-THE-NEW-ROBOT CONTEST that Kanalakis is holding. Kiddies between the ages of 5 and 12 can submit names for a new robot that will work with the bomb squad members to identify and handle “suspicious or known dangerous devices.”

All entries must be postmarked by Aug. 30, and Kanalakis will announce the winner and the robot’s name at, yes, you guessed it, a press conference on Sept. 5. The winner will receive $100 and will get to stand by Kanalakis while the cameras flash and roll tape. To enter, send a letter with the suggested name for the robot, explanation for the name, age, address and phone number of the kid suggesting the name to Monterey County Sheriff’s Office, 1414 Natividad Rd., Salinas, Calif. 93940, ATTN: Robot Contest.