SHOT IN THE DARK…Squid hates to boast, but Squid’s résumé is impressive. Exhibit A: Squid’s acting career. Squid’s theatrical debut involved an intimate portrayal of snuggly furball Barrington Bunny. To seal the deal on a Tony nod, Squid got to die (!) onstage saving the life of a mouse.

This explains a lot, Squid realizes.

While Tony never came knocking (Squid was robbed!), Squid did develop a fondness for all things fantasy: musicals, movies, plays. So when Squid recently passed a dark-haired movie-peddler in front of the Dollar Store in Salinas, it was hard to keep walking. But Squid’s brother did stop, and finagled his way down to $6 for a DVD.

Squid popped popcorn and inspected. Looked like a lousy B film; felt like a lousy B film; why, it was a lousy B film: The Pacifier, featuring lousy B-film star Vin Diesel. But The Pacifier was still in theaters. So Squid popped the DVD in to see if it was really Vin or something better, like porn.

Sure enough, there was a grainy dark (fully dressed) Vin, sounding like he was talking from a cell phone in a concrete tunnel deep underwater. And then the canned laugher kicked in, and people who weren’t at Squid’s place were getting up to get popcorn. Squid realized the film had been videotaped at a theater.

Squid doesn’t get it. What’s the pirated film draw? Who purposely buys this crap? Here’s some sound Squid-vice: Save the dough. Unless of course there’s a pirated Barrington Bunny from the ‘70s floating around out there. Now there’s a good buy.

LOCAL TALENT…Squid’s a sensitive sort. No, really. The one thing that sends Squid burrowing into the nearest kelp bed is conflict. Now, Squid’s no angel fish. Squid’s famously known for a hot temper that has, sadly, sent Squidette packing on many an undersea journey to her girlfriend’s house. But all too often, the shoe’s on the other tentacle, so to speak. Squidette commonly makes thoughtless remarks, like pointing out how “hot” the pubescent males on The OC on Fox are, while forcing Squid to forgo watching football. (The OC, as every female between the ages of 13-39 knows, stands for Orange County, and the tempestuous, beautiful people who live there.)

The battle over the clicker got really intense the other night, and after Squidette made a snide remark about Squid being jealous of the hotties on TV, (Squid is so not!) ink was spewed. Squid’s been in a pickle over how to patch things up, but luckily a TV network has the answer. A press release found its way to Squid’s desk, announcing casting for a new reality series to be shot in Monterey County.

“The WB Network wants to help families reunite and heal their wounds,” it reads. “A groundbreaking new TV show will introduce you to a leading therapist and help your family reconcile through an intensive weeklong program. This radical new concept is the latest TV import from England.”

Everything fixed in only a week? Squid’s hooked. And Squid will share the wealth: Families interested in having their petty battles broadcast across America can call 212-404-1429.

SEND SQUID SOME LOVING KINDNESS: SQUID@MCWEEKLY.COM