FIRST: THE ASS-SLAPPING…Something’s been bugging me for a long time, and it’s bugging me more than ever right now. Maybe it’s because I just looked through the daily paper. I don’t know. I’m an old bartender with a pretty twitchy nose for BS and I swear, there’s just nobody out there, including me, who’s not full of jive.

Truth is, truth is tough to come by. Lot of truths out there—too many people telling them, too many people believing them, not enough people asking questions, not enough answers that are the truth. The truth is a bunch of bullshit nowadays. We are so steeped in it that nobody is telling anything but a homogenized version of some inkling of a piece of the heart of any particular matter, and that inkling is watered down and airbrushed.

I’m learning how to not focus on anything negative by opening myself up to the light, adjusting my perspective to one of love and positive vibes. It’s just that sometimes, the less evolved part of me gets a foothold and I want to just start smacking some ass. Just do like the old days, when parents slapped some ass on wild little kids, and reach out to all the bullshitters out there and slap some ass.

Now I know that a reactionary, retaliatory, retributional (don’t slow me down here with cries of “that’s not a word”) reversion to an eye-for-an-eye mentality isn’t going to get me any closer to my best human potential. But sometimes, you just gotta smack some ass.

I’m sorry, there just can’t be all these liars, cheaters, swindlers, greed-mongering, hate-mongering vile-hearted slobs running everything while good folks get eaten up by a machine gone mad without somebody stepping up and slapping some ass.

It seems that the powers of marketing, media and other forms of brainwashing have been so artfully and scientifically improved, combined with a nutritionally deprived population ingesting more and more artificial pseudo-food stuffs and drugs that the result is machine-like human droids without soul, substance or self-awareness.

Maybe you think that is not a very nice thing to write. You know what, turn around and let me slap some ass. If you don’t realize the truth in that gibberish, you get in line to have your ass slapped.

I feel like we have to dig in our heels and hold back the storm, then try to reverse it—but I’m not talking about some zealous religious Super Bowl. I’m talking about human beings doing the right thing when they make everyday decisions. We’ve all got to consider other human beings besides ourselves and our immediate love interests with all decisions, especially the big ones. We can’t keep letting the criminals in power everywhere delude us, confuse us, abuse us and conclude for us.

We all know what the right thing to do is when somebody is trying to convince us to do otherwise. That’s when we have to slap some ass. Just haul off and slap down any silly sonovabitch trying to get you to do the wrong thing, even if it’s yourself.

AND NOW: THE HAPPY TALK… Go see the Hershey’s Kissmobile at the Del Monte Center this weekend, noon to 4pm on May 28th. Helps support Children’s Miracle Network…The fourth annual Monterey Beer Festival is almost here. It’s about celebrating the diversity of different cultures through the joyful sharing of the world’s greatest beverage. More than 70 breweries from around the world, live music, interesting people, lots of fun. Only $20 in advance, $25 at the gate. Monterey Fairgrounds, Saturday June 4 from noon to 5pm. Tickets available all over (see ad this issue) and at www.montereybeerfestival.com…Still time to sign up for the American Institute of Wine & Food golf tournament at Quail on June 6. It benefits the AIWF scholarship fund for Monterey Bay so call Mary Chamberlin at 624-0830 or Joanne Monroe at 625-3562 now…go to Pizza My Heart at the Del Monte Center, have some pizza and ask them about their educational tours for elementary schools and summer camps. They bring in the students and have them learn how the yeast works, the dough rises, the pizza is tossed, all kinds of real-life things. They make pizzas and learn too. Hit Allison@pizzamyheart.com or check out www.pizzamyheart.com…There’s a bunch of stuff happening at Del Monte Center actually, with a Children’s Miracle Network radiothon with KWAV on June 2 through 4, Magic 63 doing stuff, get on www.delmontecenter.com or www.kwav.com and find things out…congrats to La Playa for 100 years of service. I missed the big birthday party but heard it was a real Carmel-style hoe-down. I’ll make up for it at La Playa’s upcoming 15th annual Garden Party on June 26 from noon to 4pm. Wines, food, live music, all to benefit Carmel Youth Center for only $40 apiece, 624-6476 ext. 488…Go visit Southern Lattitudes in Carmel on Lincoln between Ocean and 6th. Two fine ladies, Annalisa Wood and Kerre Dubinsky, along with their wonder beagle Max, have just the coolest wine retail shop and tasting room you’ll ever see. They only sell stuff from below the equator—or above the equator as you’ll see on their beautifully upside-down world maps. Beautiful offerings by the top producers from Australia, South Africa, Chile, Argentina, New Zealand—this place is cool. 622-7652 or www.solawines.com…And check out www.videostorytelling.com, the site of newcomer to the area Randy Thieben—an interesting, insightful look inside the mind of a videographer…Stopped in to look at the construction site for Bixby’s Martini Bistro, right next door to Thunderbird Books in the Barnyard. Watch out, I see one sharp-looking, happening place coming. I just have a really good feeling about this place. Stop in to Bahama Billy’s and ask Bill and Theresa Lee about it…See ya next time (I hope).