SQUID FEELS DAVE’S PAIN… Years ago, Squid suffered a serious back injury. Being an invertebrate, Squid healed up pretty quickly, but there was some bad pain involved. So Squid was not entirely unsympathetic to find out, last Wednesday, that SUPERVISOR DAVE POTTER had skipped the previous night’s water board meeting, citing a bad back. At first, Squid had some suspicions—the board was considering the public takeover of the Peninsula’s water system, and Potter conveniently avoided a controversial decision about whether to put the buyout to a public vote. (Ooops…did Squid say “conveniently?” Squid meant “painfully.”) Squid thought: Could Dave be avoiding controversy? Nah. The back hurt.

The next night, Potter was spotted at Montrio, sipping Chardonnay. Pain management program, no doubt. Squid to Dave: Get well soon.

FIX THIS… Whomever came up with that brilliant old adage about death and taxes really should have added another one of life’s certainties to his list: getting hosed by traffic courts. A nice, law-abiding Monterey resident, MELODIE BAHOU, recently cc’d Squid on a letter she sent to the TRAFFIC DIVISION of the MONTEREY COUNTY SUPERIOR COURT, along with a $10 check. According to her letter, Bahou was given a fix-it ticket for a brake light that was out. She says the police officer told her to replace the light, get the ticket signed by a street cop, and “it would cost no money.”

Not true. She paid the fee and mailed off the proof of correction to the court. “And now I suddenly receive two notices from you telling me that I have to pay ‘bail,’ as if I am some sort of criminal,” she writes. Turns out Bahou’s a feisty one. Squid likes her already.

“You should not feel that just because the communist threat is over that you need to fill the void with another nonsensical bureaucracy,” she continues.

“I deserve to know why I am sending you this check for $10…Otherwise, I will consider this akin to taxation without representation and extortion.

“P.S. I am a teacher of English as a Second Language (ESL) students. If I teach them about American citizenship, what sort of activities would you suggest to best illustrate bureaucracy and the unimportance of individual freedom in America? I’d appreciate your expertise.”

So would Squid.

STUPID PET TIPS… Speaking of expertise, Squid knows when it’s time to call in the pros. But when Squidette asks for some “space,” who can Squid turn to for love advice? Not DR. LAURA, who no doubt would blast Squid for, among his other deadly sins, co-habitation without marriage. The answer landed in the form of a press release on Squid’s desk recently. “You read the advice columns. Still, no one seems to get it right. Cats and dogs know.…it’s really about your urges and instincts.” Yes, FIDO AND FLUFFY (insert pawprint here) now have an advice column, offering gems such as, “Flop on your belly, whimpering, while looking incredibly dejected…this guy will come around.” Hmmm…Squid’s thinking it’s time put the kibosh on advice columnists of any species and to break out that Magic 8-Ball again.