GET YOUR FIX… It’s official. Squid’s moving. To TARGET, or Targé as we fashionistas like to call it. The Sand City store has got everything a cephalopod needs: shaving cream, bedding, granola bars, vino, a tiki bar. And now, an in-store STARBUCKS.

It’s about time, Squid thinks. Before Starbucks, Squid would grumpily swim across the parking lot to the other Starbucks in the Edgewater Shopping Center. Or stop by the Starbucks down the road on Fremont Boulevard. Or the one up Fremont inside Safeway…but really, it pains Squid to have to travel that far. “Why can’t there be a Starbucks inside Targé,” Squid used to whine. Now Squid sees no reason to ever leave the comfort of the big box.

SPAM FOR BRAINS... Stop sending Squid forwards about boycotting a specific type of gas station. Squid would rather get the TONY ROBBINS “How to Love Yourself—Forward This to 10 Self-Loathers in the Next 10 Minutes to Have Really Good Self-Love Prospects” forward. Buying from one gas station over another is not a solution anymore than buying smack from Sketchy Billy rather than Slick Tim is a way to hurt the smack kingpin and his international smack cartel. Boycotting one just means another station will sell more.

Here’s a thought: buy less gas. Don’t make trips to the store for one item. Walk, for Squidsake. Use a bike! Take it from an expert in self-interest (chief among Squidly talents, right up there next to intolerance of stupid forwards and laziness): you need not do it for the planet or your unborn progeny. Do it for yourself. Even lazy-ass Squid rode to work all last week. On bike-to-work Monday, Squid almost giggled at the sight of fat baby seals, a parade of fuzzy goslings, and a line of cars stuck in traffic—all visable from the Rec Trail—and it’s been a long time since Squid giggled.

FUN FOR FLUNKERS… Squid remembers the mantra well from the pre-Squidette days: If the not-so-cute cuttlefish aren’t up to Squid’s standards, lower Squid’s standards. But while that motto worked at Squid Row in Cabo, it doesn’t belong in schools. First we lose every subject except language arts and math (fringe subjects, like history and science) and then a judge suspends the High School Exit Exam—which tests for sophomore-level skills. And now Squid sees another slide down the slippery slope of lower standards at MARTIN LUTHER KING SCHOOL in Seaside. To attend the eighth-grade trip, students must have no more than one failing grade. Now that Squid thinks about it, why let failure get in the way of fun? Squid’s editor could adopt this approach: Squid still gets Squid’s cruise to Cabo if Squid fails to turn in no more than one story a week.