Count It… This fine publication that so graciously allows me this weekly rant recently put out its 1,000th issue. That’s consecutive, friends, with nary a burp. That translates into 19 straight years of bringing you the very best in conscious reporting and editorials (alright, mostly conscious editorials). As a guy who has been aboard this bus for about 40 percent of those 1,000 issues, I would like to say how very honored I am to have been along for the ride. My Steeler hardhat is off to Bradley Zeve for turning this thing into the top-notch paper it is and to all the talented folks along the way who helped it along. Also, a special nod to Tai Moses, who, as arts editor back in 2000, gave a semi-burned out ex-restaurant jockey a chance to siphon off some of his madness and drip it upon an unsuspecting readership. Of course, to any of you out there who routinely endure that madness, what’s wrong with you people? Are your televisions broken?

Plot Twist… I don’t know how you feel, but holidays have always been a time when I twist myself into a pretzel. The emotional strain gets my wiring firing like ignition at a Vegas hotel demolition – usually, just after the holidays are over, I crumble, too. Somehow, this year, I find myself not really getting too caught up in it all. Sweet Thing and I are both kind of non-committal, eschewing a tree (hey man, why are you eschewing that tree, didn’t you eat lunch today?) and considering disappearing. We’re thinking, leave town and hide out in a quiet hotel somewhere. I guess on some level that’s pretty selfish, maybe even on all levels, but it seems to satisfy both of our intuitive instincts.

Naturally, as the calendar winds down to those last few days before Christmas, I’ll probably lose my water and try to capture the entire feel of White Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street, go racing around under extreme duress trying to fulfill some DNA-infused sensory fantasy about what Christmas and the holiday season are, whip myself into a frenzy, lose my patience, get mad at everything and totally miss the actual magical moments that occur every day, whether it’s Christmas or not.

Glimmer Of Hope… I know one helpful activity I can do: Go out to Zeph’s One-Stop on Thursday, Dec. 13, at 6pm for its annual Grand Champagne Tasting. 757-3947. Look for me, I’ll be the boisterous, mildly obnoxious one embarrassing myself – then again, that might be you.

CHIP SHOTS… Played in a couple of fun golf tournaments the past weeks. First it was Bon Appetit/Aquarium Golf Day at Poppy Hills. Executive Chef Dory “I’m no Doug” Ford did a great job pulling it all together, including hosting a barbecue afterwards at his home. I played with the Cantinetta Luca gang, Executive Chef Jason “Slap Shot” Balestrieri, Bar Manager Brett “Fore Right” Whales and Wine Director Thomas “The Salumi Kid” Perez, who kept insisting Balestrieri’s golf bag was harboring special Polish salumi he had brought back from Minneapolis, or Milwaukee – one of those Midwest “M” cities.

Then a few days later it was out to Quail Lodge for the Third Annual Bruno’s Market Tournament, hosted by Fermin and Ryan Sanchez, the Anakin and Luke Skywalker of the corner market business. There was a bunch of rowdy guys yelling and shouting cheap one-liners all day, so naturally I had trouble scoring. My playing partner for that one was Joe “Joe Cingari” Cingari, owner of Brophy’s Tavern. After the tournament, a delicious dinner at Edgar’s helped ease the pain of winning nothing but a fun day. Francis “Monterey High” Hughes forced us to go out drinking with him afterwards, but you know how that goes. All in all, two great days with a lot of fun people and a lot of swinging.

Another Round… Speaking of clubs, I got the pleasure to dine at Club XIX a couple of weeks ago and enjoyed a sampling from Chef Ressul Rassallat’s winter menu. Rassallat is another in a line of fine kitchen commandos who have prowled the line at the Lodge at Pebble Beach’s distinctive downstairs dining den. This is a gentleman who cooked at the James Beard house in NYC earlier in the year and has impeccable skills as a chef. Of course the service is always first class, the room is clubby and comfortable and the beverage selections are unlimited.

Art Of A Good Time… Have you been to the Monterey Museum of Art recently? Admission will be free the week of Dec. 26-31. Stroll around, look at the works, act cultured, it might rub off… Chef David Frappia is lining up a variety of interesting events at Melange Restaurant in the Holman Building in PG. They include Christmas Eve dinner, a great time to eat out, especially after last-minute shopping and hustling. Look for a Pessagno Winery Dinner in February and all sorts of fun stuff, 333-0301… A nod goes out to Derinda L. Messenger & Associates, a law firm that specializes in land use, subdivisions and environmental issues related to development and agricultural matters throughout the Central Coast of California, for opening its office in Salinas. Hey, Marci “La Contessa” Bracco sent me that so it has to be important… The white truffle is perhaps one of the most exquisite, aromatic and flavorful of foods, the pride of the Langhe, the Italian hill country south of Alba. From September through December the musky, earthy, slightly garlicky underground fungi is hunted by trifulao and their dogs, combing the forests for the elusive delicacy. Friday, Dec. 14, experience this extraordinary fungus and the wonderful flavors it brings to food. At Luca, Balestrieri will present a four-course menu where white truffles are featured in every dish – including dessert – and paired with the wines of Piedmont, 625-6500… Ciao tutti.