CAR TROUBLE… I’m experiencing an interesting foray into the Wonderland where modern (sic) bureaucracy intersects psychotic, ethically bankrupt opportunism. A few months back (reminds me of a STOOGES routine) I received one of those correctable citations while driving in Monterey. I had the old rear-license-plate only registration, which has since become illegal. All I had to do was go to the DMV, pay a nominal fee for a set of new plates and pay $10 for the citation, then have a police station person verify the existence of the new plate…simple. SWEET THING did the honors, got the new plates, stopped into the Seaside police station, got the OK, paid the 10 bucks, see ya later.

At this time, I am receiving threatening phone calls from a collection agency somewhere in California, demanding a payment of approximately $489 dollars. I have been to two different police stations, two branches of Monterey County Court, the DMV, not to mention the concomitant waiting, phone calls, aggravation, worry, etc. At present, I am composing a letter to a judge in Marina in the hopes that this silly matter will be straightened out. I have the utmost confidence that it will—after a requisite amount of additional suffering—but it is terrifying to think of the potentially devastating consequences to an innocent person accused of something serious. Almost $500 dollars from an original fine of just 10 dollars. I know guys in the Bronx who charge better rates than that.

HAND-MADE GOODNESS… Unscrupulous collection cons aside, it’s good to know there are folks around here with integrity and a strong sense of goodness. At Dishes Bistro in Marina, ANDRE and GUDRUN VADAS have had the spot to dine for over a decade. Dishes is a comfortable, cool local bistro where CSUMB faculty members dine alongside locals, business owners and politicos. Consistency, quality, and warmth, that’s what I’m talking about.

That’s also what you’d like from a massage, yes? KRISTI PEREZ (new name) strives for that and more, adding nutritional guidance at her Healinghappy studio in Monterey. A program of regular massage matched with good eating is a ticket to a happier life. Seems pretty clear to me. Call 917-6218 and get happy.

GOLDEN DAYS… It’s time for the Sixth Annual Monterey Beer Festival Saturday, July 7, from 12:30 to 5pm at the Monterey Fairgrounds. Of course it features every type of beer from dozens and dozens of great breweries from around the world, including the debut of BoXer Brews Cruiserweight Ale, one knockout of an ale. There’s live music on the lawn stage, great local food vendors, the Monterey Stinging Jellies’ disc golf layout, fresh air, beautiful tree-laden Fairgrounds terrain and something else…what was it again…oh yeah, beer. The Monterey Beer Festival, founded by two handsome, smart local entrepreneurs, JEFF MOSES and ME, is now in its sixth year. It’s really become a stalwart in the community, so go. Tickets are available at Bay Books, Campagno’s Deli, Wild Thyme Deli, Zeph’s 1-Stop, Monterey Fairgrounds Office, online at montereybeerfestival.com. Info at 373-2843. Help save the world one beer at a time.

Thursday, August 9, at 6pm, Roy’s at Spanish Bay turns into a full-fledged Hawaiian Luau with a buffet by Chef YOICHI SAITO, local vintners and brews, hula dancers (including TOM HLASNY) and most of all, fun. Buy your tickets now, they’ve already sold close to half and will sell out, 647-7441.

STAR POWER… Just missed the guys from the hit HBO show “Entourage” the other night. They went in to eat at Alberto’s Ristorante in Pacific Grove. Don’t know how they found out about the joint—probably a smart local turned them on—but like most people who do, they were thrilled they did. I wonder if they got to taste ALBERTO’s peachello (you read it right).

CRAIG LING, longtime local restaurateur, with latest entries being the Sandbar and Grill on Wharf 2 along with Melange in PG, just got married. I met his bride LYNN once at Melange; she is delightful and they really get along well. I say many happy returns to them.

NICK GREBENSCHIKOV is doing double time—lunch shifts at the Grill at Ryan Ranch, the smooth running fun and tasty spot up there off of Highway 68, plus dinners at Max’s Grill in PG, the smooth running tasty spot on Forest Avenue. Nick is one of those waiters that adds sparkle to the sometimes routine task of eating lunch or dinner. Stop in to both those places for treats from every angle.

The AIWF (look it up) is hosting the film Who is Killing The Great Chefs of Europe at the Outdoor Forest Theater, Wednesday, July 11. The admission price includes rustic European gourmet fare and beverages that will be served at 7pm with the movie following at 8:30pm. Call EVAN OAKES, 761-8463, MARY CHAMBERLIN, 624-0830, or DOROTHY JOHNSON, 655-0970.

SUBCONTINENTAL DRIFT… Got an e-mail a couple of weeks ago from CAROLYN SWANSON. She’s with Restaurant Tea Service of Northern California, a company that provides high quality, freshly brewed coffee, iced tea and hot teas to about 500 food service outlets from as far south as King City to as far north as the Napa County line.  Carolyn’s the regional contact (carolynj.swanson@gmail.com) for this area—and provides green equipment (their iced tea brewer only takes three minutes of electricity to brew, monthly maintenance, service, promotional items and the best brewed beverages they can find).

Anyway, she was telling me about a great Indian cooking class she took given by SANGITA and ARIJIT DAS (375-5144, schawlia@yahoo.com) at the Adult School on Del Monte in Monterey. It’s a great way to learn how to prepare fascinating dishes from the various regions of India…wow, outta space (nice) already.