GET TO WORK… May was a fascinating month, calendarily speaking. It was one of those months that had two full moons in it. Also, we had five Weeklys (Weeklies?) in May, so ERIK CUSHMAN (the publisher) got more than the usual month’s work out of his staff—that must have made him happy. Publishers have to worry about things like making payroll, profit, etc., like restaurant managers. It’s a largely thankless life, with occasional perks and a high divorce rate.

People who gravitate to jobs in publishing—writers, editors, art freaks, etc.—share the same fundamental attribute: extreme procrastination. Without the onrushing deadline train bearing down on each of them (us), nothing would ever get done. Don’t know what got me started on that subject—oh yeah, it was the deadline I had to meet. I personally don’t know what I’d do without some arbitrarily designated time crunch imposed upon my life. I might never get off the couch. (Sheez Martha, I bet he writes this slop from the couch.)

HELLO GOODBYE… Are you bugged by the way businesses answer phones nowadays: “Thank you for calling Food Chain, this is Raymond, how may I help you?” When I am calling a business to do some business, I’m ready to start the moment somebody picks up (when a human actually answers). I think a simple, “Food Chain, Raymond,” is plenty. You can communicate all that other BS with your tone. Maybe I’m spending too much time on the phone. I’m becoming a total burnout—gonna have to move to Santa Cruz and start doing drugs again.

SAUSAGE PARTY… Have you seen FERMIN “AMERICA’S TOP MODEL” SANCHEZ in the latest Carmel Magazine? The King of Junipero is stylin’ in his Tommy Bahama outfit, with a golf club slung over his shoulder, overlooking the beautiful Carmel Valley Ranch golf course redo. I hear that modeling agencies have called, seeing if he can come to New York for some Madison Avenue-type layouts. (I’ll have to add Bruno’s and Surf n’ Sand to the list of places I’m banned.)

Thanks CAL “SHERLOCK HOLMES” STAMENOV for noticing that I gave you three different nicknames in the same column last week (or two weeks ago, whenever). Actually, thanks for reading the thing in the first place. In fact, while I’m on it, thank any and all of you who actually turn to this column and stop by for a while without skipping past me to get to your horoscope (like I do). It is always humbling (a stretch I know) when I meet people and they are regular readers of the Chain. Sitting here alone at the computer (on the couch) I sometimes forget that this thing is actually for public consumption. My advice, by the way: consume with care.

Folks are consuming with gusto at CHEF BRANDON “THE SAUSAGE WRANGLER” MILLER’s homemade charcuterie corner (aka the wine room) at Stoke’s Restaurant in downtown Monterey. Every time I go in there, he runs me up the stairs to show me all the dried meats he’s hanging up there. The demand is getting so great that he’s having to devote more time to stay ahead of it… stop in at Stoke’s and catch the wave.

BIT OF CAL-ITALY… SWEET THING and myself had the good fortune of attending the media dinner at Hyatt Monterey’s new TusCA restaurant, with its newly renovated interior, concept and directorship. Manager DARRYL “HIGH NOON” BREWER, a longtime local industry veteran, who looks like one of those western heroes our boy CLINT made famous, has the place working sharp, looking and tasting good. (In fact, JENNAE “THE WINE WITCH” LIZZA of Passionfish credits Darryl with first hiring her 10 years ago.) Chef NEIL “TONY BAKER’S BRO” DUNN is on the premises and knocking out tasty, Italo-Cal cuisine that “delivers the quality I expect from this place,” according to Miss Thing, who later added, “it exceeds my expectations.”

Chef MARK “PAC MAN” AYERS and Wine Director MARK “ARMANI” BUZAN, both from the Highlands, are cross-pollinating the Monterey Hyatt, adding a nice bit of spice to an already tasty mix. Kudos to Food and Beverage Director DEBBIE “FRENCH FRY” FRANZ (I’m starting to get goofy here) and GM MARK BASTIS… folks, get there and check it out.

AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL… I was hanging out with my good friends Jon and CARMEN MAGNUSSON of Bistro 211. We were celebrating Carmen’s official American citizenship. After an impassioned rendition of “God Save the Queen” by CALVIN “THE ANARCHIST” WILKES, with MICHELE “SWEETIE” WILKES humming “La Marseillaise,” our motley band of patriots, including TODD and MARIA SHARP—the Desi and Lucy of the car world—along with the Magnusson’s two boys, “SARGEANT” HULKA and “GIGANTOR,” plus COLLEEN “PRINCESS BRIDE” WILLIAMS and of course, my omnipresent Sweet Thing, proceeded to celebrate in style. Needless to say, much food and wine was consumed, anthems were rewritten, patriotism advanced.

KEEP IT UP… Sunday, June 17, it’s an exciting Beer and Pork Dinner at Big Sur Bakery, hosted by The Maiden Public House. There will be a guest speaker, JIM DUNLOP from TLC Ranch, great food, beer and the usual Big Sur style fun. $85—call 667-0520… Check out the Wolffman’s spice rub available at Bruno’s Market and other local establishments. He’s some crazy local chef (that’s redundant), but this is one kick-ass rub, baby (don’t rub it on your baby, unless they’re baby back ribs)… We’re coming into the warm weather, with visiting revelers from around the world, so let’s all remember to be a little more patient on the roads, and keep those warm hearts glowing. There are many places people can visit, they don’t have to come here. I like to think the biggest reason is because everybody here is so nice… love y’all.