Language Art… As I sit here a’spinnin’ and a’grinnin’, thinkin’ ‘bout how ‘tis in this life, how I’m a’gonna keep on winnin’, it occurs to me: first step oughta be to start my waist a’thinnin’. Far as I can reckon – not the greatest distance on earth – that there might o’ been the most apostrophes ever used in one sentence in history.

There ain’t nothing common about an apostrophe, seppin’ its need to hold the little word family together, kind o’ like the middle child. I wouldn’t know about that, I was on the back end of a two-on-one fast break and instead of getting dished off to for the easy pull up jumper, my sister would always take it herself, forcing up shots – ball hog.

Justice’s New Wrinkle… Which brings me to a subject (please, please don’t ask me how) that has dominated the news for too many months – baseball and performance-enhancing drugs. Irrespective (love that word; a guy named Lou Rossini, who I used to coach basketball with a long time ago, used it like crazy) of who, what, when, where, how and why, the best part of the whole affair has to be the wonderfully hypocritical members of Congress or the House or whatever branch those phony politicos are with. Where exactly is the justice in being forced to tell the truth to people whose only utterances are varying degrees of untruths? It’s a beautiful thing.

We all share our individual hypocrisies and I’m certainly no preacher (bad example), no priest (oops, worse still), no saint (this is getting absurd), but it seems to me they ought to put the panel of suspect athletes up in front of a squad of grandmothers. Let the dopey politicians stay in their cloistered offices and chambers puffing each other’s stretchy facades and leave the righteous indignation for people with some integrity and backbone… right Grandma?

Speaking of grandmas, where the hell is Keith Bruecker, aka Erhman Hall? His grandma is worried about him, so are some of the other neighborhood kids.

Opening Ceremony… Whooa, this week should see the opening of Citronelle out in the Valley (wasn’t that an Otis Redding song?). I bet “Otis, my man” (wrong Otis, dummy) would have enjoyed hanging out at the new (as in never before existed, not just a coat of new paint) bar and lounge overlooking one of the prettiest patches (wasn’t that a BB King song?) of green earth and wild turkeys (should have been an Albert King song – “Green earth and Wild Turkey, laying my aching head down by the side of the road” – come on everybody, sing along)… where was I? Oh yeah. Citronelle. Hot. Hot.

Alright Rick Edge, ready or not, here I come. Rick “On The” Edge, one talented back-of-the-house hombre (one of the great meat men – boy I wish someone would have ever called me that in print) who’s been around a few campfires, has revitalized (there’s a politically correct term) the menu at Lattitude’s at Lovers Point. Rick, I’m gonna get down there and see what’s going on.

Same with Stokes. I got word from the new editor at the Weekly that Stokes is for sale. I’m gonna get down there and talk to Hattie the Ghost, find out what’s happening. What’s that you say? Everybody already knows that Stokes is for sale? It’s been in local publications and I’m the last guy to write about it? Oh well, how many people can get an interview with a ghost? (Hattie tells me the building is for sale, but the restaurant is staying put. The owners, including Hattie descendent Dr. James Stokes, say they are looking for someone who will preserve the building’s historic qualities.)

The Envelope Please… Good ghosts and angels are what are needed at the 17th Annual Academy Awards Party with Oscar. This year’s theme is flashback to the ‘50s. It’s at CSUMB’s Grand Ballroom and, of course, benefits Monterey County AIDS Project. If you haven’t been to this party, it’s a great time for a great cause. Giant screen viewing of the Oscars (I’ll be at the real Oscars – wake up, wake up), dancing, costume contests, food, wine, auctions, hot air balloon rides, Ralph the elephant, who plays chess, all sorts of fun. The date is Sunday, Feb. 24, call 394-4747 x18 or e-mail kat@mcap.org for rezzies and info.

You would expect the Monterey County Film Commission to have a party on that day, wouldn’t you? They do. The Big Night Gala, Sunday, Feb. 24, Inn at Spanish Bay, benefit for the nonprofit film commission. Big screen telecast of the Academy Awards presentation, a four-course dinner, wine and silent auction, Bob Hope will emcee, 5pm with a red carpet arrival, 646-0910, info@filmmonterey.org.

Love Through The Stomach… My pal Val – that’s Valerie “Video Queen” Ramsey – sent me a reminder that Valentine’s is coming with a notice about the upcoming Valentine’s Day Spice and Romance Dinner, Thursday, Feb. 14, at Club XIX. Chef Ressul Rassallat has come up with a sexy menu including options like foie gras raviolis, Snake River wagyu Kobe beef rib eye and Maine lobster poached in vanilla cognac. There aren’t many more romantic rooms anywhere so get on those reservations, make your girlie or your boytoy happy, 625-8519, pebblebeach.com.

Rabbit is the dish. Fifi’s is the place to get it on Wednesdays. Rabbit is a staple dish all over Europe. Fifi’s, being European in style, had to bring it in eventually. Get down there, try it.

Last Shot… Internationally recognized artist Suzanne McCourt presents Memoirs of the Crosby Clambake Jan. 30-Feb. 15 at the Phillips Gallery in Carmel. A special reception with the artist is Saturday, Feb. 2, from 1-4pm. Proceeds from sales of a limited edition print will benefit the Monterey Peninsula Foundation… I’m outta here, gotta go sharpen my game for the Crosby next week… never know, I could still get an invite (wake up, wake up).