I HEART WAL-MART… Bring in the cheerleaders and the tickertape parade: A Wal-Mart Supercenter is coming to Soledad. Yay! Everyone is thrilled! So says Wal-Mart, with a little help from Armanasco Public Relations (the PR firm that Satan would hire should he want to build a theme park on Cannery Row). And now the daily rags, The Californian and The Monterey County Herald, are toeing the company line: “Soledad residents ready for Wal-Mart,” reads a Herald headline; “A survey of Soledad residents shows overwhelming support for bringing a Wal-Mart to the community, the national retailer says in a letter to the city’s mayor,” reads the Californian’s story. More than 90 percent of respondents say they support Wal-Mart and it would be good for Soledad’s economy. Hmmm… maybe Wal-Mart is Squid’s new happy place.

Oh, wait, it says in both stories that Wal-Mart conducted the survey itself. (For the record: the last survey Squid conducted about Squid found 99 percent of respondents think Squid is super sexy and super smart.) Anyway, the pro-Wal-Mart results made Squid curious to see the actual questionnaire.

“Please check all that apply,” it says. “I think a Wal-Mart would be good for Soledad’s economy; I’d shop at a Wal-Mart in Soledad; I know someone who would apply for a job; Yes, count me as a public supporter of Wal-Mart coming to Soledad; Other comments.”

Wait, that’s it? Where’s the “Wal-Mart sucks” box to check?

As one of Squid’s fellow cephalopod buddies says, “Kinda like a Zimbabwean ballot these days. I forgot to check, did the Californian run the headline, ‘Mugabe supported’?”

But about that parade: Wal-Mart, if you’re paying attention, all of Squid’s legs look really good in a cheerleading skirt.

MONEY’S ALL GONE… Note to state lawmakers: Squid doesn’t understand deadlines, either. The July 1 deadline for adopting a 2008-09 state budget has long gone, and there’s no plan to close the $15.2-billion shortfall in sight. Dems want new taxes; Republicans say no way. On Monday, July 14, Senate President Pro Tem Don Perata sent senators home until there’s a budget vote.

Squid kinda likes this plan. In fact, Squid’s gonna try it next time Squid’s editor demands Squid file something on deadline: just not gonna do it. Instead, Squid will go home, sit on the beach, suck down drinks with umbrellas and play Catch Phrase by Squidself until said editor sees things through this mollusk’s beady eyes. Yeah, like that’ll work.