¡Ask A Mexican! for Jun 19, 2008

Piense en esto: Al mal tiempo, buena cara.

One man's take on his culture's stereotypes

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Dear Mexican: I read your column every week and notice your ongoing theme of pushing for “immigration reform.” I realize your concern for your compadres, but what of those of us who see that our country is becoming simply too overcrowded, and too Hispanicized? In Plano, Texas, my grocery began putting up directional signs only in Spanish. At my school that I taught at in Dallas, all the blacks left and their places were filled by the illegals’ children. And because I don’t speak Spanish, I was forced into an early retirement. First, we need a zero population growth mentality. I used to be a Catholic, but pushing for no birth control is insane. Do you believe we should just open up the country to anyone and everyone? Where do we draw the line? —Randy for Romo

Dear Gabacha: Damn, chula: get yourself together! Your question scatters across rhyme and reason like Mexicans spilling out of a hole in the border fence. I’ll address one part of your pregunta: the idea that Mexicans are irredeemably Hispanicizing the U.S.– and turn ¡Ask a Mexican! over to the chingón satirist of his time, Benjamin Franklin:

… Why should the Palatine Boors [Germans] be suffered to swarm into our settlements, and by herding together establish their language and manners to the exclusion of ours? Why should Pennsylvania, founded by the English, become a colony of aliens, who will shortly be so numerous as to Germanize us instead of our Anglifying them, and will never adopt our language or customs, any more than they can acquire our complexion.

Last I checked, the most German thing remaining in Pennsylvania were the Amish, and they’re more American than the Phillie Phanatic. Though Mexicans are influencing the culture, the Republic always absorbs its idiot immigrants and becomes richer for it. And if you don’t believe me, then ask yourself why Franklin was proven such a schmendrick, or why a Mexican uses Yiddish as part of his fakakta shtick.

I recently went to a Dodgers game in L.A. It was good to see the familias having fun, pero I then saw something disturbing. The whites cheering for the St. Louis Cardinals would clap when their team did well. When the Dodgers did something good, the Mexican fans– mostly homeboys and paisas– were yelling profanities and flipping off others. It was very sad that they would display such language in front of kids. It upset me that they made Mexicans look like animals. I was compelled to go up to those Cardinals fans, and I made sure the Dodgers fans were looking. I said to the güeros, “I apologize for these ignorant young men.” It’s bad enough our culture gets a bad rap, but they shouldn’t add leña to the fuego. Was I wrong to excuse them? —Garciaparra Girl

Dear Wabette: No. It’s always noble (and a bit antiquated) to ask for decency in this modern mundo, but you’re waging a Sisyphean battle if you think you can reform foul-mouthed Dodgers devotees– and not because they’re Mexicans. Remember that “fan” is short for “fanatic,” and then tune into ESPN Classic and wait for footage of Disco Demolition Night to air. Dig all those long-haired gabachos! And don’t forget fans of the Raiders, New York Giants/Jets/Yankees/Knicks… really, any rooter except those pussies who cheer for the Cardinals.