READY FOR THE BIG ONE… Something loud, noxious and flaming should accompany everything everyone does this weekend. There ought to be fireworks. I personally have enlisted the aid of a long-standing Italian family of fireworks creators, purveyors, surveyors and regulators to formulate a custom-made display of bursting stars, explosive eruptions, concussive blasts and twinkling accents to be unleashed above me and the collective throng wherever I wander.

Why, you wonder (I wander, you wonder), would one feel compelled to unleash a maelstrom of light and magic in the lower atmosphere on this, not even a holiday weekend – albeit one week removed from one of the most important birthdays on any calendar (not squealing). Could there be perhaps an unknown celebration of some sort, perhaps a christening (insert which ever icon you prefer here) of an important fishing vessel? Might there be strange new rumblings among the military installations that necessitate fireworks to accompany their glorious expansions?

Not exactly. A couple of cooks are coming to town.

Every August untold battalions of nonsensically magnificent automobiles arrive here in our sleepy hamlet, transforming an otherwise moderately inconsequential auto land into The Emerald City for car buffs everywhere.

That is not something to be taken lightly. This basically sleepy conglomerate – no, actually, more like a confluence – of individual villages, for one entire week per year, absorbs the onslaught of autos, dealers, sycophants, owners, groupies, enthusiasts, auctioneers, etc., like a Death Valley-dry sponge dunked into a Vegas double margarita. How can such a place as this, where deer graze nonplussed and we exist so tranquilly, be so eager to adopt hordes of pilgrims searching for recognition and RPMs?

And what does that have to do with this weekend? Funny you should ask.

The Pebble Beach Food & Wine is here. Suffice it to say that by now, as you are poking your nose above your too-quick-cooling cappuccino, you have felt something magical about this weekend – and the congregation of big-name, big-time, big-appetite, big-talent chefs that have hit town.

Perhaps you – and the chefs – have already been fortunate enough to imbibe juice from one or more of the 200 or so fabulous wineries represented by the time you are reading this. Maybe the ripple waves of glee already are spreading outward from the Del Monte Forest, and already have bathed you in resonant echoes of sensory satisfaction. Maybe you are in the forest, using this newspaper to wipe your mirror shine on those nice new shoes as you sashay up to the gate, credentials in hand, taste buds on orange alert. Whatever.

RECIPE FOR GREATNESS… As I’m writing this, I got an advance look at the PDF file for the program/magazine those crafty folks Rob Weakley and David Bernahl put together for this event. It’s something like 160 pages, glossy, expensive looking and quite impressive. The recipes alone – a bunch of chefs from the event have included recipes – are worth the price of admission. Oh, I hope you have sprung for the price of admission. This will be the Grand Ole Opry, the Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower. Pebble Beach, amazing food and wine, our magical geographical energy, springtime… I say a big right on.

As you might expect, townies are stepping up with peripheral events to ride the wave of excitement generated by the Pebble Beach Food & Wine. Kurt “Cool Hand” Grasing, proprietor of Carmel Chop House and Grasing’s, is doing at least three wine dinners this weekend. He is featuring the wines of Trinchero Family Estate from Napa for Thursday evening at The Chop House, then he’s got dinner planned with Champagne Gosset, Ferrari-Carano and Testarossa. Call 624-6562.

Maria “Queen of Junipero” Murray has coordinated a great bash at Wilkes-Bashford in Carmel, at the Carmel Plaza. Guy Buffet, the whimsically wonderful artist whose subject matter usually includes food-related content, will be on hand showing his work, talking to folks, possibly dancing exotically for a favored few – you know the deal. Get over there, 626-6262.

MI CASA… On a more serious note… you know the best way to seriously help out folks who need it is to get some funding from the folks who don’t. On Saturday, April 5, at the Hyatt Regency Monterey, CASA of Montery County presents its annual Lighting The Way benefit. This high spirited, fun and flashy event recreates the famous Cotton Club atmosphere, right in our own Hyatt ballroom. CASA of Monterey is a great organization that advocates for abused, neglected and abandoned children who might otherwise get stuck in the juvenile dependency system. There will be a great four-course dinner prepared by Mark Ayers, executive chef at Hyatt, plus great music from Dennis Murphy’s 17-piece big band and special appearances by Emmy winners Mark Mancina and John Wineglass, plus the brilliant Matt Cussun, 455-6800.

GOING PLACES… Evan Oakes, the brains and brawn behind Ag Venture Tours, a super fun service that takes people around our wonderful Salinas Valley, Carmel Valley and other locations where agriculture, winemaking and the things that drive this county take place, was telling me all about the history of the region. He is a veritable fountain of flowing facts, figures and fascinating views – which is what you’ll get on one of his tours. Get on agventuretours.com or call Evan at 761-8463 to book a great outing that is special, unique and fun… speaking of fun, I’m outta here to go join in on some… way to go Rob, David, Gary Obligacion and the cast of thousands who pulled this crazy idea together… big cheers.