BET ON SQUID… Squid’s not a righteous mollusk. That is, Squid’s usually right, but doesn’t necessarily jam it down one’s throat with every last tentacle at once. No, Squid’s more of a single-tentacle-at-a-time kind of mollusk.

Case in point: Salinas Police Chief Dan Ortega’s retirement. A couple of months back, a tipster put Squid on the trail of Ortega’s impending departure. Squid snorted around the outskirts of the department, but nobody was talking. Then Squid sniffed in the inner circle. Those folks slammed tighter than a tapped-on clam.

“You’ve missed the boat on this one,” one insider snapped at Squid.

“He’s not going anywhere,” Salinas Mayor Dennis Donohue said.

Within days, Ortega copped a ’tude and shot off a memo to his staff, proclaiming his allegiance to the department and to his job, stating in no uncertain terms that he was going nowhere.

Whatever. Squid rolled an eye, sparked a stogie, sipped some cognac and waited. Last week, Ortega announced his– (gasp) (sputter) (shock) (his what?!?)– retirement.

Yep, one tentacle at a time.

CITY HALL COUTURE… Meanwhile, over at Salinas City Hall, new city manager Artie Fields is busy marking his territory and pissing off his peeps.

While the entire financial world crumbles, and the Salinas murder rate skyrockets, Fields has decided that every officer on the street needs new equipment. No, not bigger guns, stronger armor or more colleagues. Fields wants new badges! “Because he doesn’t like the lettuced edging on the current ones,” one angry tipster yelped.

Maybe the new badge betrothal ceremony will take place at City Hall, where Fields is said to be busy approving new carpeting for the whole building! Woo-hoo!

Three cheers for Fields. Only weeks into the job, and he’s already making a real dent in his stupid-decision quota!

SWITCHING GEARS… First the Amgen Tour of California, arguably the biggest road bike race on the continent, dumps Seaside for an inland trajectory. That’s gotta hurt at least as much as losing a testicle– um– tentacle. Then Lance Armstrong signs on to the tour. That makes Seaside a Sheryl Crow of sorts, left roadside while Armstrong peddles his plaything elsewhere. Worst yet, the new host cities– playing the role of the cute Kate Hudson, who’s currently giving Armstrong the business– are decidedly uncute: Visalia, Merced and Modesto. It’s enough to make Squid understand if Seaside leaders want to do a little doping to help cope.