One man's take on his culture's stereotypes

SanTana: Santa Ana, California, from where ¡Ask a Mexican! originates. The most-Latino big city in the United States, according to the 2000 Census. Please pronounce the city like the natives – “SanTana,” like the famous guitarist, not “Santa Ana,” like a combo of Claus and Karenina.

One man's take on his culture's stereotypes

By Gustavo Arellano

Thursday, October 1, 2009

SPECIAL, ANNUAL CANADIAN EDITION

As a Mexican-American, I’ve lived in St. Louis for about 17 years and have seen a substantial influx of my brethren. Nevertheless, I’m for border security – against the no-good, godless Canadians. I hate Canadians! Funny accents and cold weather – ha! Why is America not closing the Canadian border? Those bunch of hockey playin’, maple syrup-eatin’ hijos de putas should take responsibility for the atrocities they have committed against good God-fearin’ American folks – Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morrisette, among others. Where does the humanity begin and hopelessness end? --El Commandante de Cinco Estrellas de los Chulos del Mundo

Dear Five-Star Commander of the World’s Handsome Men: I will not stand idly while you denigrate an entire race. How can anyone hate Canadians? Such simple people who let Mexicans steal their precious Wave, thereby eliminating one of the few contributions they’ve made to world culture besides hockey, comedians and Lennox Lewis? Besides those snow-heads and their pleasant ways always ask the Mexican questions about his hermanos despite the relative dearth of wabs in Canada (the swarthy hated folks in the Great White Norte are the Pakis, I do believe. Or Newfoundlanders. I forget). We know why our northern border is largely unprotected: no Mexicans on the other side.

I’ve been together with my Mexican boyfriend for over three years. However, at the beginning, I had problems getting along with my mother-in-law, and now that I’ll get to meet the mother of my mother-in-law, it seems things might get rougher with her. I try my best but it never seems good enough. What should I do? Por favor explain me how to seduce la familia! --Saludos Desde Quebec, Canada!

Dear Facebook Friend: In Mexican culture, the mother is queen, and la abuelita is empress: even more regal, more difficult, more beautiful, and more terrifying. Proceed with caution – tell her she looks like Maria Félix, but DON’T mention the old-age home or the prodigal son who’s only going to show up when she dies to claim his part of an abandoned casa in the rancho.