Dear Gabacho: Because Mexicans hate Americans – DUH! Geez, this is the literary equivalent of taking a penalty kick at this year’s FIFA World Cup with no goaltender. – but I also want to plug Gringos at the Gate, an upcoming documentary answering this very question with game footage and interviews with Mexican and American fútbol fanatics, former soccer stars and your humble scribe. I gave your question over to director Pablo Miralles, who delivered a bicycle kick of an answer: “The average American doesn’t give a s*** about fútbol, so how can they be as good or even better than us Mexicans, who are the most passionate and loyal fans? As for Donovan, when he won the Golden Boot at the 1999 Under-17 World Cup (the first player from this part of the world to win such an honor) and later the Best Young Player at the 2002 World Cup, the realization for Mexican fans set in that, for the first time, the best player on the field when the United States played Mexico was NOT a Mexican. It’s one thing to be beat by a bunch of over-educated, hard-working, physical brutos, but the talent, the technical skill, the style – these are the attributes of El Tri. So how can it be this güero is winning these awards, think Mexican fans? Unacceptable!”

Dear Readers: I can’t remember what awards show set off the wab, but I’m assuming it was being held by the fine National Hispanic Media Coalition. I do remember finding I Hate You’s vitriol mildly amusing. And his reverse-discrimination claim over Alba (believe it or not, the Mexican’s third cousin once removed) and other Latino celebrities raising funds for chamacos would be funny if the medical needs of Latino kiddies weren’t so dire compared to gabachos. Finally, his bit about segregation? Markings of a pendejo – ethnic groups in America have celebrated their own culture in banquets and benefits since the Jamestown colonists.