SPECIAL DREAM EDICIÓN

Dear Mexican: Why is it so hard to find an educated Mexican – or hell – even a Latino man who isn’t a pretentious hijo de papi, or thinks he is a god for being educated and successful? I’m Mexican; my parents immigrated to the United States when I was 5, so that through hard work, my brothers and I could have the American Dream. I went to a top university and work in finance. I know there must be Mexican-man versions of me who are also smart, successful, attractive and down-to-earth. I’ll be stuck having to marry a white dude who pronounces tortillas “tor-til-has” and calls guacamole “guac.” Lovely. --No Good Mangos

Dear Wabette: One reason you’re having a hard tiempo finding Mexi men is because there are simply not enough people like you. The 2008 report “Advancing in Higher Education: A Portrait of Latino College Freshmen at Four-Year Institutions, 1975-2006,” published by the Higher Education Research Institute at the University of California Los Angeles’ Graduate School of Education & Information Studies, discovered chicas constituted 60.8 percent of first-time, full-time Latino freshman in universities in 2006 (the last full year researchers could cite for their stats); chicos, on the other hand, made up just 39.2 percent. Surveys over the years have shown that educational attainment levels heavily influence marriage choices (i.e., you’re more likely to marry someone with the same degree as you), so I suggest you brush up on learning how to make guac for the gabacho in-laws – kidding! Your príncipe will come, just drop the creída attitude – muy turn-off.

Once a month at my church, we have members of the congregation get up and “bear testimony” about spiritual feelings or experiences. I’ve noticed that the Mexicans are always talking about vivid dreams that they’ve had. Do dreams have some sort of special religious significance for Mexicans? --Gabacho Gordo

Dear Fat Gabacho: I can say that Mexicans love dreams, especially if they involve amnesty, hot chicks or a Stetson. But dreams as revelations? The last such sueño was when the Aztecs thought Hernan Cortés was their long-gone god Quetzalcoatl – and we all know how that turned out.