Here is my problem: I was raised in a typical gabacho family. My siblings and I all enjoyed a typical gabacho relationship. We are close as cats. I phoned my brother year-before-last, and was gratified to learn that he was still alive. That call went so well, I may phone him again next year.


But now, I am in love with a Mexican woman, and that word “family” has taken on a horrifying new meaning. When we first fell in love, I just wanted to be one with them. I wanted to grow a moustache like Vicente Fernandez. But that was many weekends, and carnes, and quinces ago. 


Help me, Mexican. Till I hear from you, call me… - A Gabacho Besieged 


Dear Gabacho: Sorry, but you’re caca out of luck on this one. The only advice I can give you for the next fiesta is to find the table in the backyard where the women, the pocho side of the family, and the closeted gay cousins hang out and gossip. Oh, and morning birria helps in your liver repairing.


If the money situation in Mexico and other countries is so dire, where do the immigrants find the thousands of dollars to pay the coyotes to bring them into America? Would the money they pay for illegal entry not be better spent caring for their families?From what I have read, a thousand dollars goes a verylong way in supporting a family in Mexico.


Are they aware that the coyotes will leave them to die rather that face capture?Do the immigrants realize that their capture means their return to their country of origin minus the moneys they have used in the hopes of entry? Is it true that the Mexican authorities kill or imprison illegal entrants into their country?Why is this done when they expect kinder treatment for entry into the U.S.? - La Gabacha


Dear Gabacha: From a lifetime of savings and probably family loans, probably not (simple economics, chica), yes (it’s the risk that goes with paying a stranger thousands of dollars for entering the United States), yes (that’s why they do it again), maybe (probably not the killing, but for sure the imprisonment and maltreatment), hypocrisy (but blame that on the Mexican government, not the people), and because the United States is the greatest damn nation on Earth – after Zacatecas, of course.