Dear Mexican: There are many who give lip service to border security. For the moment, put on your secure-borders hat and tell us how you would secure the borders if your job depended on its success. Is it possible to secure the borders if we abandon internal enforcement and grant yet another amnesty? - Wally Wallbanger

Dear Gabacho: Your question assumes there’s a need to secure borders, when really we just need to legalize drugs and people, and our “problem” vanishes; after that, we can concentrate on preventing actual threats from entering this country instead of perceived ones. But how would I secure American borders? Easy: American jobs for Americans only. Create an insular, xenophobic economy that keeps away all foreign labor and wants nothing to do with foreign investors. Adopt the Mexican model – and look how far that got them.

I recently had a heated discussion with a Republican friend of mine about illegal immigration. She thinks it’s easy for Mexicans to immigrate legally to the United States. If this is the case, why do so many Mexicans immigrate illegally? My Republican friend thinks they want to get all our social services for free. I think the issue is more complex than that. Any thoughts? - A Curious Democrat

Dear Gabacho: Your friend is proof of how tontos Republicans are when it comes to the issue of immigration. If migrating legally to the United States was as easy as your amiga insists, you think Mexicans would pay thousands of dollars in smuggling fees and subject themselves to the terrorizing whims of coyotes when the legal way sets you back, after attorney fees and everything, a couple thousand dollars? If illegal immigrants didn’t want to pay taxes, then why do so many assume fake Social Security numbers that ensures payroll and Social Security taxes get pulled, the latter of which they’ll never get back? If illegal Mexis wanted to live high on the government queso, then why do you see so many of them selling flowers and strawberries on street corners? Tell your amiga that legal immigration takes years, years that poor people can’t afford to waste in poverty when a risky trip will do the trick, and that she needs to become libertarian and learn true conservative principles instead of the snake-oil pendejadas currently offered by her party.