SHROOMING ON HOT AIR… In this wet winter weather, Squid almost forgot that delicacies like shitakes and oysters are fragile little fungi. A busted propane boiler at Ortiz Produce in San Juan Bautista made for a chilly period for mushrooms, and grower Esteban Ortiz alleges he lost more than $100 grand in profits. His “mushroom propagating materials” failed after Ortiz’s propane vendor in Marina, Suburban Propane, L.P., purportedly installed a screwy regulator, according to a lawsuit filed last week in Monterey County Superior Court. Then Suburban Propane kept sending propane bills, to the tune of $44,000, which a pissed-off Ortiz didn’t pay. Maybe mushrooms of the magical variety would endure the elements better. They might also be a way out of dealing with the written contracts that got Ortiz tied up in knots; he was unable to read Suburban Propane’s fine print, and when he was allegedly “instructed not to worry about it and to… fax it back,” he obeyed. Regrettable, considering the mushroom mush that followed.


SQUID’S GOT TALENT… Squid’s resume is a show stopper: championship salsa dancer, special advisor to Dalai Lama, international helicopter ski guide, blah blah blah. Pretty much peerless. But suddenly Squid’s got some company running around the county. U.S. Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin is coming to town. So is UCLA professor and author Robert Huizenga M.D., who has been called to weigh in on The Biggest Loser and American Gladiators, and to testify in the O.J. Simpson trial. They’ll be joined by Jack LaLanne’s widower Elaine and tennis hero Jimmy Connors, among others, at this weekend’s meeting of the California Association for Health, Physical Education, Recreation and Dance at the Monterey Conference Center. Though Squid’s fitness and waistline have sagged to new nastiness since the salsa days, Squid digs the aim of the summit: They’re calling it a “California Congress for Creating the Healthiest Children in America.”


The CAHPERD herd isn’t the only decorated assembly going. The Association of Environmental Professionals left town on Wednesday after discussing how to plan amidst changing public policies and funding funks. Michael Marx, senior civil military coordination advisor for the United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, speaks March 16 as part of Monterey International Institute’s Global Problems and Solutions series. Come to think of it, a burly title like that could help pimp Squid’s resume even more. Maybe “ranking officer on the Facilitation of Less B.S. from Local Government Inanity and Knuckleheadedness” would click.