DARWIN AWARD… Squid’s done some stupid things. Like stick both slimy tentacles on a frosty telephone pole. And go on that two-day nitrous binge (Phish Tour ‘98!).


But Fort Ord Reuse Authority attorney Jerry Bowden makes Squid feel less foolish about all that. FORA, remember, works with the Army and EPA to make sure Fort Ord’s 25,000 acres are clear of military munitions before opening them up to civilians. 


No one’s been injured by a Fort Ord weapon since the base closed in the early ‘90s. But Supervisor Dave Potter casually tells Squid that just a few months ago, the FORA attorney “drilled into a munition with a power drill and hurt himself.”


Oh no he didn’t. Oh yes he did. 


It wasn’t a Fort Ord munition; Bowden bought the foot-long projectile at a flea market in Santa Cruz. “I was raised around guns and my father was a highway patrolman,” he says. “I thought I knew a great deal about ordnance.” 


A primer that had apparently been depressed told Bowden this baby was a dud. So naturally, he took it home and drilled into it. 


A piece of brass shot into his breastbone and stopped a quarter-inch from his heart. Bowden figured he had five minutes to live, but two surgeries later, he’s almost recovered. Physically, at least.


“I don’t advertise this, because it’s by far the stupidest thing I’ve ever done,” he says. “In addition to everything else, I’m going to ask for a brain transplant.” The lesson, he adds: People who think they know what they’re doing around weapons are in even more danger than peaceniks like Squid. Hear that, NRA?


SEEING STARS… Even though Squid is more translucent than green, Squid feels a sense of camaraderie with terrestrial beings who turn any shade of the seasickness colorwheel. So Squid was pleased to see the stars align for Constellation Winery when they were honored this week by the County Supes as one of 27 green businesses certified by the Monterey Bay Area Green Business Program since 2010. 


But according to lawsuits filed in June by One Sun and Knights Electric, the companies that installed a 1-megawatt solar project at Constellation’s subsidiary Estancia Winery, Constellation shorted them $97,000 and $6,000, respectively, on the half-million-dollar installation. 


Plaintiff attorney Dan Galvin tells Squid settlement negotiations are underway. 


In a press release about the installation, Constellation President Jay Wright said, “This initiative have a positive impact on the environment, but it is also cost effective, saving approximately $1 million in energy costs per year.” Might want to float some of that to the contractors.