MITT’S A GAS… Squid fondly remembers when mom and dad called to announce a surprise visit to the lair. Squid frantically shoved old pizza boxes under the couch and scrubbed the toilet clean using a combo of ammonia and bleach. And boy, that last one was a doozy!
It appears that kind of mixing may have led to the Monday, Feb. 13 evacuation of the Portola Plaza Hotel, where workers put together a bad batch of cleaning chemicals and released a chlorine-type gas into the air, sending employees to area hospitals and leading to the evacuation of 210 guests, many who stayed over after the AT&T Pro-Am.
One very secret guest who escaped unscathed? Republican presidential hopeful and avowed 1-percenter Mitt Romney, who stayed at the hotel Sunday night but left before the chemistry experiment went awry, hotel sources confirm. His campaign staff isn’t talking about the visit, so Squid can only wonder: Was Mitt nomming brownies and pounding back tequila shots with Golf’s celebrity bad boys Anthony Anderson, Don Cheadle and George Lopez in their informal tourney-within-a-tourney Brownie Cup? Or was he trying to talk Clint Eastwood into doing another “Hey America, get off your asses” commercial? Whatever the reason, Squid’s glad Mitt’s alright. Squid would rather see Newt Gingrich sucking in chlorine gas anyway.
NOAA SUPERMAX… Sometimes the sheer terror of the world descends on Squid. Earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns, President Gingrich… ack! Imagined menace makes Squid want to turn Squid’s lair into an impenetrable fortress.
Squid need look no further for inspiration than the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration building, which is fortified by towering solar-powered light poles and a chain-link perimeter that have been pissing off neighbors, the city of P.G. and even the California Coastal Commission since 2010. Earlier this month Congressman Sam Farr asked NOAA to tone down the lights and remove the fence. But NOAA doesn’t have to follow the rules that apply to every other property on the block, because it’s a federal agency on federal land. And while NOAA itself deals in natural hazards, it’s scarier stuff that inspired the lights and fence: Mountain lions. And terrorists.
Because if Squid were a terrorist, the first place Squid would target is NOAA’s Pacific Fisheries Environmental Laboratory. Hell, Squid’s already drawn by the bright lights and the even brighter mural of sea life by “fin artist” Ray Troll, which cheers up the top of the otherwise unwelcoming NOAA building. Pop-art sardines and flounder? Even a fence can’t deter a hungry Squid.