Adventures in Alcohol: Dog Biscuits, Squirrels and Sex Lube
May 15, 2012
Jacks Restaurant Exec Chef Jason Giles is reusing beer mash grains from Peter B's Brewery to craft Portola Dog Biscuits.
The timely alcohol info only gets weirder from there. But before we slosh into that, it bears mentioning that, in honor of International Cookie Day (today, May 15, of course), Portola Hotel & Spa is giving guests and their four legged friends on the patios at Jacks or Peter B’s one complimentary biscuit. Additional treats are available for purchase at the front desk or in either of our restaurants from your server for $5/package of five.
Now back to the sauce: Imagine a world where people drank $800 bottles of 110-proof craft beer from the carcasses of dead gray squirrels and capped the night off with a little lovemaking aided by a whiskey sex lube.
That world is now ours.
In keeping with their penchant for pushing boundaries, the lads at Scotland-based BrewDog craft brewery, James Watt and Martin Dickie, have upped the ante on über-strong beer with what they are calling The End of History.
The super-concentrated blond Belgian ale is the world’s strongest brew, boasting a 55 percent ABV. But, that might not be the most striking part of this tap tail—er, tale.
Watt and Dickie decided to shake things up a bit more by wrapping their bottle of high-power hops in the taxidermied bodies of squirrels and stoats (a weasel-like rodent cousin), creating quite a backlash among animal rights activists. In their defense, the two swear the animals were roadkill. (Reusing to make Giles proud!)
While some were disgusted, others ran to their mattresses to unearth cash: The company is already sold out of The End of History despite the profound price tag.
A specific process makes the potency possible.
"The blond Belgian ale, infused with nettles and juniper berries, was created by BrewDog's brewers by freezing the liquid to separate water from the solution," reports the U.K. Telegraph. "The process was then repeated dozens of times, requiring hundreds of litres of beer to be reduced through the process to produce just enough for a 330-mililiter bottle."
In other news of Scottish suds, due to an increase in hospitalizations, medical costs and crimes related to binge drinking, the Scottish government has announced a minimum price of $0.81 for every 0.34 ounce of alcohol sold in the country.
The law is backed by those who believe youngsters were taking advantage of cheap liquor prices to overindulge and everyone else was simply drinking too much. Government is banking that the best way to get the Scots off the tipple is to make it a little more painful at the till.
And perhaps the weirdest news yet: a group called EpicMealTime tells the Weekly some "next level business moves are being made on the Internet at this very moment."
"EpicMealTime is pleased to announce the launch of whiskeylube, the world’s first bourbon-flavored personal lubricant," "Sauce Boss" Harley Mortensen writes. "You’re welcome."
There's more modesty where that came from:
"The gold standard of booze-flavored massage oils, it’s aged four years in white oak casks and guarantees a velvety-smooth finish. But don’t delay, the first batch only yielded 5,000 bottles."
It went to market Monday at www.whiskeylube.com for $11.99. At the 10th Annual Great American Sex & Drinking Festival in Bean Station, Tenn., it a Triple Gold Medal Award.
"We also placed in the barbecue competition," Mortensen continues. "So remember, the next time you get jacked, whiskeylube will be there to help you rise to the occasion.
"P.S. Stop hating. Don’t be jealous.
"P.P.S. Yes, the most American thing in the history of the world is coming from Canada—French Canada."